share the thoughts!

Patriotic Bless in Ramadhan

2011-08-02T15:29:00.005+03:00

Ramadhan Kareem, Muslims! May Allah bless us through this entire holy month! Ramadhan is always the special month people, especially muslims, are waiting for. Muslims pray to their fullest attention, begging for the mercy of Allah, The Creator of every existence.

Unlike the previous Fasting Month, this year I'm having another mission beside getting closer to Allah.

My friends and I are making this event themed nationalism in the environment of fighters of the nation history. Yes, they are old men and women (perhaps), with many messages from the past for the future of this nation. Beside making these people happy and raising back their spirit of nationalism, we're going to spread this precious messages from them to the entire nation, targeting the youths of the nation. I hope for my country's growth and prosperity in later years.

Earlier, I was going home by taxi. During the trip, the driver talked much about how our country is misleaded and all the negatives. I was only listening, agreeing and disagreeing with what he said inside my head. It was then when he said that the youth, like me, like us, should make a revolution again in order to make things better. He said we, the intellectual fighters should use whatever we have in mind and take it into action, especially the medical students. Why medical students? Because there are many young people whom are medical students in their time revoked revolution. Such as Budi Utomo.

I agreed, about this and I started talking about the mission I and my colleagues are having. I talked about publishing our event to the whole country, and he was supporting all the way. I never thought about publishing it to television programme, he suggested us to do that. I also told him about the upcoming essay competition regarding nationalism, and he was very enthusiastic in the idea. He even wants to participate in the competition.

Glad to see some people still care about how to improve the nation.

We just have to find an unusual but applicable way to do good changes. Changes, or revolution does not have to be all about wars and hardrock stuff, it can be pursued by intellectual approach. But sometimes, things do not go so well, and we must take another way to do it.

However our way to solve it, remember. The government and public both have the same thing they really care about, it is the country. Both of them should ally to make the country reach prosperity, avoid being the foe of each other. Support each other. When the fact government has forgotten about what they are standing for, remind them. That is our jobdesk as youth of the nation.

Parents ARE the best!

2011-06-02T19:32:00.002+03:00

Fellow readers,

How long have I been silent? For months (approx. one and a half months) I have been heart-broken. Ha ha. FYI, I was in a relationship with a classmate for 5 months. Late April, he asked for a break up, so we broke up. Well, It was my fault to feel so deeply in love ( I feel so lame), that when that happened, I was like thrown from the seventh floor of the sky. I could not study properly, doing so bad in organisations- loss of responsibilities, I felt my life was falling apart. Fighting so hard within myself, I try to be professional. That means poker face. Yeah, acting all sturdy and strong, making fun of all my sorrow in front of the ones I trust (that literally means everyone around me), telling everybody I'm falling apart.. so they'd take it lightly, and think that I was okay. Tears were like.. lame. Then I called my Dad via Messenger, I was about to ask him if he let me to go to something like a training camp. After asking how was I doing, he talked about how I do in academics. I told him everybody was having a decline in the academic reports rate, but I felt like he knew what was happening to me. He told me to stay strong: all the tricks. Ha ha. It was an awkward thing to talk about. It was the first time I told my parents about who I liked and all that lovey-dovey stuff of a child. I had always thought they'd see me like it was a silly thing, but hey, they DO understand me the best. The best answer was that from my parents. I have asked all the girls I knew, even my best boy friend (that is a boy whom is my best friend) about how to ignore this thing, but then I found the magical answer from my very own parents.

Thank you Mom, Dad. I love you.
(okay, this is starting to feel so lame, oh, I'm such a drama queen).

late at night and Gram colouring

2011-04-27T20:59:00.003+03:00

The exam is only a week away, and I just can't sleep. I'm not busy thinking about how I can pass the upcoming exam, it's because I drank a can of coffee. Talking about the exam this time, this part of the study is really heavy. We are forced to learn like.... thousands of points in only 6 weeks of learning. isn't that heavy? I just got hectic about this. I lost my belief in studying, it's too much! and I'm just any ordinary young woman.

This chapter is about infection, the chapter which differ Indonesia than any other countries. Here, we are to learn about helminths ( worms), microorganisms, including viruses. Then, comes the medicines to counterattack the "invading" microorganisms. If I say it like this, it doesn't seem too hard, but when we see the details, it's just a little bit different than hell.

I just had my skill exam on colouring microorganism, and I just can hope I pass. Made so many mistakes, I hope the Almighty love me more, and I can pass. Things to remember when someone does Gram colouring:

1. The object glass should be clean, clear from anything.

2. Don't dip it too much in alcohol

3. shake the tube of bacteria when about to take it.

Those things are the things I did not do perfectly, and so I just can't find the negative Gram bacteria, streptococcus, etc.

Forget about the Gram colouring, I still got another skill exam, malaria - I must learn more about this- and written exam about the whole thing of infection. gaaah, it's more than a lot of thing, but I must try my best.

I hope I will not do repeats for all this, as after the exam, I really want to have fun. ( FYI, I got stressed!)

WOW!

2011-04-06T19:57:00.002+03:00

Have been such a long time since I last wrote a post. Now, in the middle of the night, i'm feeling bored, not sleepy yet- i guess because of my running nose- and remembered to write something on this almost-forgotten blog.

I am now a student of a university. I'm in the second semester now. That is really fast. It was just yesterday I did my test and now, the year 12s are going to meet their final exams. Time is really a marvelous thing. One move, and you lose 1 second.

Busy with the busiest part of the thing, i feel like being stranded. lol. hope it'll be okay.

UN is A FAG! MALAYSIA IS TOO MUCH!

2010-09-01T19:56:00.003+03:00

Folks, I watched a news program on the tv, and I got all fired up. I sense something unfair. Right now, Indonesia and Malaysia have another fight. It's about the settlement of borders between the two countries. Malaysia got it started, in my opinion. They caught our officials on our own side of the sea. Well, the borders at the site is not clear yet, there is a complication there. But, at least, Malaysia could respect us. They could tell the officials if the borders was passed, not catching them. They started to disrespect us, Indonesia. We protests, but then, the authorities of Malaysia warn us.

Hello, WE ARE THE ONES WHO SHOULD WARN YOU. Yes, the way we do the protests is hard, remembering to how many times Malaysians had disrespect us. They kill our workers in Malaysia, they perform our unique tradition like songs and dances, and said that those are theirs, they even entered our part on the sea without permission. They let 2 warships enter our sea, but we TOLD them to go away.. we DID NOT ARREST them. they take it all easy on Indonesia. No shame. Please, they should not put head too high up on the sky, they can act such, because they got Britain behind them. They are not independent on their own. I don't know who is responsible for this. I got some Malaysian friends, but they are not such. They respect me and I do so to them. So, who can we blame for all this?

I also heard our sociologist said that this border problem was brought to international level, It was stuck on coral seizure. There was 3 corals on the borders, and the conflict was on Malaysia, Singapore and Indonesia. International world said one is for Malaysia, one for Singapore, and one is for which country that the coral is at. WHAT AN UNFAIRNESS! It was Clear Indonesian's sea. Why didn't they say the other coral was for Indonesia? This is weird. I'm so sad. The world can't be depended on. We know Indonesia is a third world country for now, but every part of the world should receive the same service from the world, from world leaders. Can't they see how this will affect the world in later years? UN is no good. Disband the UN. I'm sorry, but I thank God, I know what is fair and what is not and PRACTICE them in my life, not like some country and International organisation.

Thank God It (was) Monday.

2010-08-13T05:46:00.001+03:00

Why "was"? Because I am so very late to write this post. It was on Monday, I, at last, got accepted in a university. Well, it is a private university, but I got a field I wanted the most: Medicine. Yes, my path to becoming a doctor is now opened. I realise, being a Medicine student is going to be hard. Everybody knows about it. They say that medicine students will not have time to have fun like others in a different subject. They say, from the start of our academic years to the end, we will face things that make us busy eternally. Honest, that puts me down a bit. But we won't know life before we try. And I think, in our every choice, there is a chance of success, depends on how we do them. Be positive! that is the most important thing. Great things, great endings.

But, sometimes people around us don't understand about this. Maybe because they love us too much, they prevent us from doing something that has a potential to succeed us. They'll say "don't dream too high, it hurts when you fall". Well, that can't be said wrong, but people fail before they succeed. That's how life goes. Have you ever heard about people being succeed without feeling the pain before? I haven't. This is the global principle of succeeding. Isn't it "there will always be a first time"?

I fail and this is a trial. KEEP ON BEING POSITIVE!

2010-07-16T15:13:00.002+03:00

Folks, Let me start with a bad news. I failed the university entrance test. Sad, yes, but that is logical. Why not? I chose the subjects that need the highest score: that is Medicine faculty of the two most favourite universities in my country. I do feel bad for that, but it is not actually for myself. It is for my parents. I don't know how much they will feel dissatisfied and upset because of this. I used to be clever in all subjects during school days, but... it does not seem as if I'm still that clever.

As for me, I'm easygoing. I believe if I don't get this, then it is not my way. Or, that university is not meant for me. Now I'm not sure if being a doctor is my way, and, to be honest, I have always thought and still thinking about being a psychologist. My mindset is that my education can help me when I become a mother. Being a doctor, I can open a self-practice at home and being close to my children. If I become a psychologist, then I can understand my children the best, especially when they get into their adolescence phase. I don't really like a subject that, when I get the degree, I have to leave my family and get to work. Damn, that is boring and hurtful.

As a woman, I should have at least a title on my name, and also income. Whether it is active or passive income, as long as I have money. So I don't totally depend on my hubby. That is what really want.

Well, it is not good to always look upon bad things. We should be positive thinkers to succeed,right? The good thing is... I don't know. LOL. I guess staying alive is a good thing. Yea, because if you're alive, even though you fail right now, you can try again and again to reach whatever your goal is. But, if you're dead already, then.....

We should thank God for everything the Almighty has given us. Everything in our life is precious.Even things that are in our eyes negative, may actually be a bless in disguise. It is up to us, how we see things, how we respond to life challenges.

Boring Monday

2010-07-12T10:09:00.002+03:00

Folks, Monday is a working day in every part of the world,right? People always have something to do on this day. People get to work, children get to school. Nothing like freedom is available on Monday, except when it is a national day. while people are outside, I am sitting inside the house, going on line, doing nothing, feeling bored and started to write. This is what they call free from Monday? No! I shout it, no! This is no way a freedom. Do you know why? Because I am not allowed to go outside. I'm bounded by something called rules!

One or two rules would not hurt, but rules not to go outside?! That is an offence. I am a woman of freedom. I have the right to have my freedom and the right to do what I want.This is a jail for me. I live in my relative's house, and that means my parents still have their eyes on me. Darn. This is sickening. My parents does not let me to have my own decisions in my life. I want to try things in this life. I want to have experience in things.

All this time, I realise I spent too much money on useless things. However, this time I am trying to change me. I want to try to succeed in life. I want to be active in the society, getting people under my influence little by little so that later, there will be an easy access to everything for me since my connection is wide. See? I am thinking for my future. But,can they see right through me? See what I really want to do? They don't even give any support, not once in my memory. All they do is rejecting my ideas, telling me I have no initiation and all those stuff that would let down any children, any teenagers in this world. Or, they will be neutral. They never put their hands on my shoulder: think so positively to what I do. All they want me to do is submissive to their commands, although they may let me go too late for chances in life.

Like right now, during a Monday, a busy day, I'm just sitting here, with nothing to do. I actually have a lot in my to do list, but they must be delayed or even cancelled because of the disapproval of my parents. Is there anybody who can tell me what to do? Let my parents live my life? or what?

decision

2010-07-06T05:50:00.003+03:00

Hello,readers. This time, I have something in mind to share. not like the last time I wrote, this time, I will finish all my thoughts, no "to be continued".

For your information, at the moment, I am doing a business. This is not a very risky business, not one with complicated procedures. A very little capital needed, a possibility of high income. Who doesn't want it? I have no problem about it, but there is one thing that is preventing me from my struggle to succeed, it is my parents. Parents.

Just so you know, before I started doing this business, I asked for my parents permission. I text them, emailed them, but they did not call me. So, I take the initiation to start doing it. I thought, They would allow me to try, at least. Because I haven't used their money yet, and I would not anyway. I will strive to use everything from my own hand. But then, yesterday, my so-called father, called and start shouting at me, telling me I have no permission to do this. Hey, I have already done it. And I will not stop doing it. I will prove it to your face, dad. That is my promise, keep that in mind.

I can't think of an ultimate reason why they always disapprove my things.

All they do is just confronting everything I do, complaining and complaining, and so, in the end, I might be a woman of no position, I do what people tell me to do, I don't do what people tell me to not do, I am a total servant of the world. Total loser.

I don't want to be like such. I'll ask them to read a book titled " the Cashflow Quadrant", written by Robert T. Kiyosaki. This book has the reason of why I do this business. I'll show them that waiting will make me a loser. Waiting until I graduate from university is fatal. Can you think, in this crisis, it is getting harder to find a good job. If I keep on waiting until I get graduated, I will have the difficulty to get a job. Even doctors. One of my teachers said in the next 5 years, doctos will knock on people's doors to ask if there is someone sick in the house, according to how "much" doctors will be in this world.

That is why I decide to try this business. I don't know why my parents doesn't let me doing this. If the reason is that I haven't been accepted in any university, I am still trying. I never put down that one. I will get a place in university as a student. NO need to worry. and by the way, why do we get into universities? to get a good job,right? But reality says that there is so very little job opportunities around here. Then, what is the studying for?

If the reason is to open our mind, creating a new way of thinking, in this business, we are being taught the same, so, in other words, I have no loss.

But of course, I will still get into university.

I just hope my parents would open their mind about this, and stop calling me bad names, I hate it. And one more, let me decide what is best for myself.

What is maturity?

2010-05-09T15:41:00.002+03:00

I remembered about someone told me that I am childish. For my age, that is not a good thing. That is what he thinks. Well, after thinking about it for a while, I guess that is both true and not. It is true that have my immature characters, but I do have my mature sides,too. People don't live in a 2 dimension world. We live in a complex situation, where we can't judge something looking only from one side. For example, maybe somebody is very bad in maths, but he might be a genius with words and persuasion. Back to which side we are seeing. I, as a human, grow and become mature with experiences I got in life. But, if I ratify it, I'd be confused. I tried to ratify it once, but I end up acting like a real baby. It's all in the mind, if I might say. Hm, got stuck. I'll continue if I have the time. LOL.

Oh, my Indonesia.

2010-05-06T14:31:00.003+03:00

Good morning/day/evening, readers.

Today I'm up with a hot news here, in Indonesia, where I am at right now. Have you heard about Sri Mulyani, the Minister of Finance of Indonesia, being asked to work in World Bank? And she chose to work there, the President has approved it. Wow, honestly, I... don't know what to feel. There is a feeling of amazement, well, the world must approve of Indonesia now. In contrast, isn't it a loss for Indonesia? Sri Mulyani, as everyone would know, is a very intelligent woman, a perfect strategy-maker, whom made Indonesia's money matter gotten better. Well, I think, she should stay in Indonesia, for a better future. But, of course, most people would drool over the chance to work in a very very very cool bank, that would give them a promising future. Great income, easy life, cash- oriented. And why would she reject it? patriotism? Heh, she even got stuck in Indonesian politic. The case of Century Bank? That is one aspect. She was involved in this corruption problem. Well, God knows about this matter. It hasn't cleared up yet, and she is still being interrogated for this. Whether she is guilty in this matter, still, the money she got in here is far less than what the United States' Government can give. I don't have the right to dispute against it.

That is one example of Indonesia's retardation. Well, I'm not trying to talk bad about my own country, I'm just being realistic. As any country would know, Indonesia is well-known for its corruption problem. That is true. The representatives are not doing what they should do. Most of them live in ease, easy money, easy live, hedonism. While, on the outside of their houses, there are poor people, whom just for a plate of food, they must drag their feet, dig up trash bins. While the big bellies laugh, the living- skeletons cry for their under-nourished babies. To compare this country to other first - world country, this condition in Indonesia seems to resemble the condition of the developed country during the 18th century. I think, every country would need these phase in becoming developed, that's why third - world country are said to be "developing" country. But how long should we wait until another revolution, that lead us to modern theatrical stage without poverty behind the scene? This country should change. I often hear about the amount of money used here and there in Indonesia, that is actually can be suppressed. The problem is, back to the authority - holders. People who are used to use expensive stuff, would reject cheap ones, although the quality differs a little. This is one problem. Many people know that Indonesia has a mass number of poor people. If the money used to satisfy the representatives, the ministers, the whom- income-are-great is so very much, when shall the poor live a proper lifestyle? They should realise how they would destroy this country. We - Indonesians primarily - should, too. We can not live in this state no more. We must understand what is going to happen if we serve others first. Well, what's going to happen is good,then. We should think about our personal benefits later. That is for a successful life. It is hard to achieve this, as this selfish attitude has grown in the heart of the nation ( even my parents are like that!), but why can't we change it? That what the rebellion in young people's hearts are for. Rebellion for a better future. Rebellion for success. Rebellion for justice. And that is up to the youngsters' hearts and mind, and some adults who understand. I wrote this not to spoil the bad things about my country. I wrote this to share my view about my own country which has a lot of potential to be great, as great as United States right now, or maybe even greater ( no offence,dude). I just hope for the best for my country. This is one way I can participate in politics. Politics should not always be thought by brain, but also coordinated with a heart. No brain should work without feeling.

I may be am a narcissist but I'm not a romantic.

2010-05-01T08:52:00.002+03:00

Lol. Well, that is one random fact I try to figure out. Last night, my significant other was being sweet in text messages (something he rarely does). Well, I just figured out that I messed it up. lol He used emoticons, and I messed it up with words. haha. well, yea, dear. I aint no romantic. Please, keep being one for me. But still he is a mood-changer (from good to bad, that's what I mean) at all time.

Just so you know, life is okay now. I got things going on simpler than last month. I guess because one problem is over. I am no more a highschooler, and not yet a college student. Getting into university is a harder task, I realised. Most of my friends already got their chosen subjects in universities, but I haven't. I'll get one, hopefully. Well, gotta study more!

Errr...

2010-04-28T16:03:00.002+03:00

How long have I been silent?

teehee. Well, I had been okay in these days, with nothing routine to do, except sleeping, eating, chatting, online, and taking a bath/shower.

Talking about taking a bath, I feel so dry. I mean, dry, literally. I was taking a shower like, for only 2 minutes, and mny skin has started to become dry, like grandma's hands. WHAT'S HAPPENING TO MY SKIN? urgh. I feel old.

These days, I actually have a lot to think about. But, somehow, I just feel like a baby. No worrying. Geez, this feels great at the moment, but when I come to realise it, it'll be like hell to me. I better realise it now.

hm... I went to a friend's house. I met the mother, and the second brother. They are nice. I did not feel very strange to that house. Hm. better not talk much about it. But still, this friend is not very friendly. urgh.

Hm, what else? Oh. I pass the National Exam! Great! now, I'm no more a high-schooler. XD I'm a fresh graduate! However, I still have to succeed in getting into medicine faculty. oooh, this is a life full of targets and problems.

I wish I can get my motorcycle when I'm a college student. boohoo. really wish for one.

well, those are on my mind right now. Those are still lots of things I haven't write. Got no idea what. I'll write more when I remember them (and have the gut to). Take care now!

formspring.me

2010-04-23T17:22:00.001+03:00

Ask me anything http://formspring.me/najanaja

shooosh

2010-04-17T03:31:00.002+03:00

lalala! Long time no write. How is everything? so so. Not good,not bad. But I feel my change now. I feel like a girl. Yea. I feel like being told all dilly-dally and sucking romantic stories. I feel like crying and being comforted by someone. Ha-ha. Such a spoiled girl. I should've been more mature. I should steer away all this nonsense. God, I can't. I want to be taken care like a little girl. Darn. Don't tell me I'm going to repeat my history. Please, God. Don't.

A message I can't say.

2010-03-20T16:16:00.003+03:00

"Hey, dear. I'm sorry for not being like what you hope. I'm sorry if I made too much mess. I'm sorry if I had disturbed you. If I can rewind time, I would change my attitude towards you the first time we talked. That time, you didn't know me. That time, I liked you for what you are. So, we tried to get to know each other. We became closer and I moved too straight forward, telling you that I liked you.We shared good times. But, then I blabbered too much. I talked (and still talking) too much about me,whom I don't know. I made you jealous without realising much, and felt happy because you did. I was unfair to you. I'm sorry. I changed, a deed I always do every time. You became tired of me. I understand. But there's nothing I can do."

"Now, the tide turns. You started to go away from me (and that's what I feel). I made you leave me. My fault, I know. To the near future, I don't know what will happen. But read this: I adore you. I can't stop adoring you until, we split up. Until you go somewhere far, while I am in the other side of the globe. I miss you. But,maybe right now I'm just a object of your sarcastic jokes."

Well, well. Give applause to the writer for writing something she couldn't say directly. (haha, it doesn't make sense). Lame, isn't it? Oh, maybe that's just the real her. A coward. Nobody knows. Not even she, herself.

FINAL EXAM

2010-03-19T16:26:00.002+03:00

Hey. Long time no write. lol. Yea, I have been busy with my life. Not only studying for my finals which starts on Monday, but also with social stuff and all. In short, I am now a bit stronger to face this society. Still, I don't understand the whole thing, but I'm getting used to this. I try to. Girls are girls. I have to take care of myself and walk tall against their mouths(understand what I mean?). And, I have my girls. I love them. I do my best to understand them, accept their strengths and weaknesses, and be there for them. But of course, I am a human. I am not perfect. I just wish they can understand me and accept me for who I am.

Many things have happened during my absence. Fight, jealousy (as usual), misunderstandings, confusion (oh, this is my job: to be confused). My reactions may be not the best, but for now, it's doing okay. Lots of things have happened to my relation to this person. It seems like we were history. But we do still contact each other. RARELY. Sad, I know. However, life goes on and tide turns. I was in the up, and now I'm in the lowest place. I should be patient. Even if this person doesn't treat me like before, we're still friends. Even though this person stabs me from the back, oh well, we're humans. I try to feel like what I feel and hold back. I think it's better. But, hey.. I'm not that kind of girl who sits at the back, taking all the unfairness to herself. I'm aggressive. Well, that's me. And if I am not like what that person thinks, I'm sorry then. I wasn't born to follow orders from that person. and blablabla. Whatever. I still love that person.

If people ask me about how I do my life, I'll answer. But it is not reliable as I change often and fast. I'm like a chameleon, even I, confuse myself. People holds on to that. They will see me as a jerk. Oh, whatever. I'm still alive until now although that is how I do. What I believe is: the constant thing in life is change. So, don't be too precise in planning what's ahead.

sob sob.

2010-02-20T16:08:00.002+03:00

Well, I'm in the peak of this confusion. Problems are messing up with my mind. If problems are people, I would just kick them, punch them, kill them. There is this one thing that takes the space of my brain the most. It is actually nothing too worrying, but cuts deep. I'm making this problem, yet I can't take control of it. No one should know more about this. Let me keep it to myself. I'm just writing the outline, to release a bit of this melancholic, lame feeling in this so-called heart. I fell and it hurts. Why must at this time when I need my full concentration on my studies? Hm. I can't set this thing aside. troublesome, isn't it?

regret

2010-01-30T17:19:00.002+03:00

I made a lot of mistakes. I don't know where to walk anymore. I am not understandable. Even me, myself got dizzy figuring out what I am.Inspirations have become so shallow and I limit myself from good things. I don't know what else to hope. I feel being so reckless. I promised myself and had fallen from it. It has been happened more than once. Just.. How should I lead my life? I've lost my light. Since when? I don't know. Should I just take myself away from this society? Or what? Really, I'm heart-broken and confused.

I wish I can go back in time..

the treasure in my past.

2009-12-20T11:47:00.003+03:00

Good news, I got rank 5 out of 38 in the class. It was unbelievable. I thought I might not be in the best 10.

Anyway, I am, at last, having my semester vacation. It is around 2 weeks and then I will have to fight (study) harder to suceed in the final exams and get to my favourite university. I'm still hoping to go to Germany, but since Dad said that I better start here, so I'll just obey him. But it is not easy to get into that university. I just don't have the spirit. Actually, I don't really want to get there, my parents want me to. That university is the most prestigious university in the country. And that is why they want me to get there.

Last night, I went to a wedding party. The groom was a student of that university. I wanted to ask him about how to get there, but it was impossible. I did not know him and he was busy. So after saying congratulations,my grandfather and I ( I went with him) went home. In the taxi, I start thinking about my future. About how can I get to that university so that my parents will be proud of me. In the end, I reviewed my past. The first thing that come to my mind was my grandma's house. In my memory, it was a big house and I feel comfort in the house. That is my precious place.

When I was a little girl, I used to go to my grandma's house every holiday. I spent most of my childhood with grandma, and that house. My grandma's house has no AC, but comforting wind flows in and out freely. There used to be fruit trees, but they are no longer there, tsunami cleaned them up. There were problems when I was in the house. However,only that house is strong in my memory. There were funny things happened there. Most of my childhood memory involved that house.

I don't know why it is the most clear view when I close my eyes. Maybe I'm just being lame about it.

Mysteries in life is what keep me on going. I want to know about them. These mysteries are making me strong, physically and mentally. Mysteries that involve feelings, and hidden truths that are kept inside people's hearts. Those are mysteries that I'm craving to know. They will be my treasure.

worries!!

2009-10-30T12:53:00.002+03:00

I am really worried if I would not be able to succeed in my future. I'm doing my best right now, but I still am not good in some subjects and miss out a year study. It's really difficult for me to catch up... But I'm still trying. The way the world revolves around me is somehow weird. I always feel ok, but the real thing is not clear and I don't know where will my life lead me to.

But I know, there is the Almighty controlling me and my life. I don't have to worry too much. Just giving the best is enough. But still, my parents wish for me to succeed...

hmmm...

2009-10-29T03:34:00.000+03:00

It has been a long absence since I last wrote a post. I got too many ideas during my absence, that I got no idea what to write today. Annoying,really. Just when you get an idea, you don't have the chance to write it down. But afterall, i'm still alive.

Life is never flat. That is what they say. and it happens to me. but not to some people. aaah... sooo boriiing... without something meaningful to write about..... I'm dyiingg.... heeelllp. (being random)

gaaah! I fail MATHHHHH!!!!

2009-10-14T11:14:00.002+03:00

Three more days and the midsemester exams finally over. I can't say i'm satisfied with my marks, and I'm really NOT! I can't believe I got 76 on Biology!!! That's a break down for me... I should reach at least 80/100 in Bio so that The U of Indonesian will accept me to study in its medicine campus. Not only Biology, I have to pass in chemistry, mathematics and physics!!!!! I do average in chemistry n I hope I can get 80 in it, but physics and math?! Hell, they're the hardest! Today I did my maths exam. I did so very bad and I think I have to re sit the exam. I don't know how I can be so blank when it comes to exam. I thought I understood chapter already, but.... Oh well, I have to study harder in it, I guess. NO. I have to study harder in ALL subjects. Furthermore, I don't really get physics, but I try to not re sit the physics exam. Wish me luck.

One more thing that is making me half crazy: The university entrance exam try out day is coming in less than a month and I haven't learn the subjects of year 10 and 11! ( I miss a year study because in comparison to the British system, the material of year 10 in Indonesia is being taught in 2 years in Britain).

Sigh, I hope I can pass the third year with good grades and enroll in my chosen university. Please, God. Help me! I will study harder and the hardest, but it won'y be accomplished if You are not wanting me to. God, please CHANGE me to be someone that can work harder than this.

i'm back again.!

2009-10-01T02:55:00.001+03:00

As you all know, I spent the last short holiday to go back to qatar. I brought some clothes, shoes, bags, books, accessories, etc. I didn't seem that I brought a little too much, but when I get back to my grandma's, I found it so.

Days at my own house ( well, my dad's) is no difference than before. I'm still the one my mom asked for when it comes to housework. My dad is as annoying as always. My brothers are still fighting with one another, I thought that we are somehow programmed to live like this. I just feel sorry for myself. But I'm lucky that I haven't had the time to be mad at by my dad.

My story today is about my moment in the aircraft.
So, 29th of September was my return day. I prepared evertyhing carefully and try my best to remember evertyhing, so none of my things will be left - but in the end of the day I forgot to bring my mobile's charger and the box.

fast - forwarding, I was at Doha international airport and waited for Gate 2 to be opened. I tried to go online, but all I saw was the browser page saying the no connection thing. Then when the Gate is opened, I went in. Luckily, I met a friend. She also had her flight on the same night and the same airplane as me. So I got a friend to travel with (there was also my dad's friend). The flight went smoothly and I was now in the plane going to Jakarta from Abu dhabi ( i had a transit there). Actually I got seat 20C, but I changed it with my friend who had her seat at the tail of the ship. I was thinking to change my seat with someone near her, but then I could not. Then, there I was. In the middle between an annoying, can't-shut-up woman and a smelly businessman. The first hour was really upsetting but then I got adapted to my place. It was then became funny when the woman started talking to a man across her seat (my dad's friend's friend: I know it's hard to conclude). I don't know how she started, but when I heard it, she was talking about romantic relationship with him. I knew she was attracted to him. The funniest part was when we landed and going into the airport. so she went to the line first, then me, then the man. She asked for her hand luggage, and when she was me behind her, she was quiet. She asked me to change our place! She wanted to be near him! OMG! how could che show it up? had she no shame? I don't know, but it was funnnnnyyy!

Life is really funny at times but really depressing at other times. Momentary first sight attractions are often misjudged as love. Then comes the funny times, and when it fails, the depressing moments arrive. I think the ups and downs of life depends on how we structured them to be,so we should be able to choose the best for it.

note: I saw a cute guy! and it happened on all my journeys. But why can't I ever get the number of one of them?

ied al fitr & homecoming

2009-09-20T23:44:00.002+03:00

hello! and happy ied al-Fitr for Muslims in all parts of the world. How was your fasting? Did it does you any good? Mine was.... you don't need to know. I can't say i'm satisfied with it, because I did not put my all into it. My way was blocked by menstruation. I know it's not something I should talk about, but it's the fact. I'm not blaming it, I believe it comes from God. It's my life line from the Lord.

How was the first day of Ied? did you go to your relatives'? I did, although I don't really recognise them. Just so you know, I'm now in Abu Dhabi International Airport, on the way back to qatar. I told you Í moved to Indonesia, and that's true. I'm just visiting my parents and I'll be back before 1 October. Tiring, I know. But I don't want to say it out loud.

Nothing feels different. Nothing changes in me. I'm still the overly laid back kid you know yesterday. That's weird(despite I already know that I'm weird). I should feel different. I should feel like I'm much older now and I must be more responsible. I should change! I don't know whats wrong with the procedure. Or could it be because everything happened too sudden?

Im coming home now. I should be happy,right? But I feel so so, nothing extreme. I feel like making a sin. Life is always like this for me. Does it does the same to you?

headache!

2009-09-19T06:18:00.002+03:00

it's not a physical headache actually, it's more like something you wish to kill. it's disappointment.

yesterday, (or a few days ago) my other grandma,who came from Aceh, asked me to go to my uncle's house and sleepover in the house, she would pick me up from my granddad's house. it's normal. A grandma who had not meet her granddaughter in a long time will use every moment to meet up and share the time together. I understand that and I was happy to accept the invitation. But life is random. nobody can guess what will happen to you that makes you unable to do something, or to meet someone important. God did not allow me to meet up with her. My mobile was broken at the night before the day and I was unable to contact her at all, because her number was not kept in the sim card.

So, I called my uncle in the morning and asked him to tell my grandma that my mobile is broken and I'm going to repair it,therefore i won't be available for sometime. I told him to tell her my granddad's mobile number and the telephone number in order to inform whether i'm in the house at the time.

Then I went to repair my mobile. I waited for any contact from her. Nothing. No calls, or even SMS. So, I thought she did not go yet. I went back home at 3 p.m. and I was still waiting for her. I did not change my clothes. Then, at 4 p.m. she called. She told me that she came but nobody was at home. I was trully shocked. I thought,"how can she be like that? I thought I sent a message thru someone close to tell her about my inconvenience." She spoke to me as if I AM the one in the wrong side, not her loveliest son-in-law. great, I thought. She started to be like the person I don't like. She texted me which said to go direct to her and not to any other person. WT.....!! I was really angry. and upset. and of course disappointed.

She called me more than once. I know that she as disappointed, so was I! It's not like the world revolves around her..

It's just... really annoying when someone is so sensible and try to show it up. I am also so very sensible , but I try to HIDE it down. because not everyone like such people. I always try to give it my bestest expressions : smile, laugh,jokes; although when the time is the worst in my life. Or is it because that is how a woman do things? If it is so, than I would gladly clarify that i'm still a little girl.

after a looong absence..

2009-09-15T07:13:00.001+03:00

hi hi hi! how's everything? I'm safe and sound. for your information, i'm still in indonesia.
i told you guys that i'll be back to qatar by 12 september.
But lots of things have happened and I stayed in indonesia until now. The truth is.. i moved back to Indonesia. I changed my school. I'm now a student of an Indonesian school. How can it be? I'm also amazed if I remind everything.

It was 2 months ago, July , to be quite exact. My dad called at 10 p.m. and told my grandma if she can put me in a school in Indonesia (my grandma's a teacha). After a long talk then my grandma tried to put me in. and after a looooooooooong procedure,that I dont want you to know, im a student of that school.

The school's great! the classmates are the coolest! but the subjects are the most unfriendly. it's drn dificult!!! but I believe I can! *force myself to believe it*

I dont wanna talk much about it bcz I forgot most of it. You just need to know that i'm now a student of this school called SMAN 3 in Jakarta.

Ok guys, I know this makes no sense, but I must go offline now.

Adieu,! c U!

vacation. er.. sudden vacation.

2009-07-07T12:45:00.003+03:00

Hey people, hey world! How is it today? Whatever you are concerned with? I, unbelievably, am in Indonesia right now! Even I can hardly believe that I went all the way from Qatar to here, right now, online.

It is actually not something I should brag about, but it is my first time traveling TOTALLY ALONE! (despite I luckily found a friend and her family together going to the same destination). I thought that it would be scary, difficult, plus my father said that the world is not trust able. However, it went smoothly. In Qatar Airport, it was so simple and when I was arrived, it was okay...

At first, there was no intention to go to Indonesia. My parents did not want to go, and that automatically means I can't go. But, when my father saw the German course here, He went busy calling my uncle in Indonesia to apply me to the course. The day after tomorrow, he went out and at 5 p.m, he called home and asked me to prepare all my things to fly on that exact night. Great Lord! I was bewildered. I put all my best clothing ( 8 pairs) on the suitcase. It was too sudden, I forgot to bring my anti perspirant(of course I bought another one here)! My father had an Indonesian SIM card and he gave it to me. I took a picture of it.. but I can't post it since I forgot to bring the card reader (it's expensive to buy one). We ( me and my grandpa) went to his house by bus and bajaj. I also took some pictures, but due to the absence of the card reader...

Yesterday ( 6 July) I went to my first class. It was confusing to take care of all the financial matters and some special requests. I wanted to change the class to be earlier in the afternoon because my course starts at 5.30 p.m - 9 p.m. , while I live far from the course place and I don't have a personal car. ( I use public transport and, moreover, led by my gramps, the owner of the house I'm staying at.) But it came to our surprise that there is no other time for the course and all other intensive courses are full. So, I have to deal with it myself. Sure, My gramps could not accompany me for 2 whole months! The problems are that it is unsafe to travel alone at night and there are a lot of transports with different destinations, I have to memorise which ones to get on. I hope I'll remember it in no time.

Now, I'm missing my parents. They complaint about why I never care to call them. It's not the I don't want to call them, I always become confused on what to talk about and we WILL end up in uncomfortable silence... wasting of credit. see? I have a reasonably good reason. But honestly.. i'm really lonely. I feel uncomfortable around my gramps and now.. i feel like the whole world hates me. I think I have to bear it because in the end i have to live alone ( refers to university).

Anyway... I'll catch up with this blog again. When I have time. *teehee :(

I know why Michael Jackson is dead!

2009-06-27T21:51:00.004+03:00

MJ's (not Mary-Jane) death is today's hottest news, huh? Death of a superstar is always a big news. Like some times ago, Heath Ledger's death. It made such a big scene,didn't it? Why do famous people always get the most attention? Why does a fire fighter's death in a heroic scene in Bangladesh, or a flying minaret's attic - it was true, I saw it on youtube - not shaking the world? Why does the Press only set their eyes on the most common happenings in a first wolrd country and ignore bizarre phenomena that happens in third world settings? I think the Press doesn't really covers the whole world.

Michael Jackson is a single human, for real! What is wrong with a human's death, although he is a famous person? It is not impossible for a man at his 50s to die. It is possible for a toddler to die because of a single matter, such as choked with food! People die when their time comes and this time is totally unpredictable. "Do you know that your sister will die tomorrow?" and you will be laughing so hard that you cry. No normal human can predict when he will get hit by a car or when he will get a heart attack. Even the prediction of when a baby will be born is often wrong.

So, what's the big deal? Why can't we move on when someone die? Death is a very common thing that happens in surprising - and sometimes unexpected - times. Yes, we'll feel sad when a close friend pass away, but he's just one person. We may be next. I say, we better move on and learn from that. Sometimes there are unfinished matters of a dead person, we can help him to finish it, can't we? If we help him with eyes still full of tears,heart full of sorrow and head filled with pessimistic feelings, we may end up making a mess with his matter, right? If we delay to do it until we get over it, maybe his matter will be much worse and complicated than it was, won't it?

Michael Jackson's death is a sad thing for the world, especially to his family. Furthermore, the police is now checking his dead corpse, messing up with his internal organs. Isn't making his family even sadder? Why don't they just let him rest in peace? Can't just the police fufilled their curiosity with only gathering alibies from his surroundings? He passed away and there's nothing and no one that can bring him back even though he is killed or used drugs. Honestly, I think it is scary to be famous.

the reason for my dream of college life.

2009-06-21T09:21:00.002+03:00

Today is another start of my boring day. As usual, this time is my computer time, but I actually using my laptop instead of the computer because, somehow, one of my brothers stay at home. This is bothering me very much! This is the only time where I can freely use the computer without the disturbance of those little monkeys (although I still have to listen to my mother's preachings). They are really troublesome, bothersome, loud some, etc.

Sometimes, I feel like I can't take them anymore and I want to just fly away from this really annoying house. Remembering that now I am in year 11, I have one year left for that thought to come true. When I finish my year 12, I would start going to university and, hopefully, live my independent college life. That is what keeping me waiting very patiently. The idea that I can finally be like what I want is thrilling me, so although I always get a breakdown, I can face up the world again.

However, people say that there are no family without any love between them. I do care about my family. If I don't, then why do I bother to call that woman as my mother, that man as my father and those brats as my brothers? It is true that I hate them the most, but after all, I know deep in my heart that they are only humans that sometimes can misunderstand, even though I don't know how to fix the bond between me and father.

To be honest, I hate to feel like that. It makes me feel pathetic. I like to put on a strong expression, the mask that says I use my head more than my feelings (and covers up the opposite fact)... And to continue my point of the story, It would be great if I can live alone. My days are filled with orders and commands by my mother and I often get sick of it. furthermore, I am the only girl in this house and to make it worse, I am the firstborn! In conclusion, I have the responsibility to look after my younger brothers now and my parents when they get old and, at the same time, to have the ability to master house works! I really am cursed, aren't I ? I find it a very heavy burden on my shoulders. When I'm off to college life, I might reduce the burden or, at least, postpone it. I hope, when the time comes, I will be a much more mature woman and might handle this responsibilities whole-heartedly.

School is "fun"!

2009-06-19T21:22:00.002+03:00

Today is the first week of my vacation. I have my vacation weeks earlier than my brothers. This is all due to my IGCSE exams which finishes earlier than school exams. However, I don't feel like I'm really in a vacation. This is worse than school days where I have to get up early in the morning, yawning all the way to the bathroom and from home to school. Today, those days enlighten me.

People describe vacation as the time of leisure, but here I feel as if I'm waiting for death to come. I'm really so very bored. Let me enlist my typical day at home:

After waking up at 8, I make my bed, open the curtains, and turn off the lamps ( I sleep with the lights on).
Then I would go to the washroom to wash my face, brush my teeth and other sanitation.
Afterward, I travel my way to the kitchen, grab a sweep and sweep all parts of the house ( or my mother will start her "preaching" again).
Usually, I would find my mother in the kitchen. In this time, I'm unemployed. I wait for my mother to tell me what to do, but she always starts shouting at me for not "helping her". For God sake! I don't now what else to do. Some other times, she would ask me to wash the clothes (with washing machine), hand-wash bleached clothes or dishes.
Next, I might sit in front of the computer, doubting on what to browse and end up logging in facebook.
When my mother starts shouting, I would log out of my facebook account, go to the kitchen with a frowning face and listen as she "curse" me and command me on what to do (she's really scary).
When the jobs in the kitchen are all finished, I would watch tv, changing channels everytime I see ads and feel bloody bored.
Still feeling bored, I would go to the computer again ( if it's absent of my brothers' hands) or I might enter the toilet, sit on the W.C. and do nothing. Pretty stupid, right? Oh well, I think I've lost my mind.
The time now would be around 3 o'clock or 4 in the afternoon. When I'm finished with my preayers, sometimes I take a nap, but often, I continue on watching tv, browsing the internet or do some other idiotic movements in my room with the door locked.
When the next prayer comes on dawn, I would do my prayer, close the curtains and off to the kitchen (again). I would put the dinner apparatus for my father, along with the shouting of my mother in my ears. After dinner, I would clean the table, kitchen tables, wash the dishes (often but not always) and sweep the kitchen floor.
Afterward, I often watch the tv, but tonight, I am able to touch the computer ( it is very rare for me to be able to connect to the computer when my father is home).
After this, I might go to bed.
When I fall asleep and the mornign comes, the whole list will rewrite itself.

Boring, isn't it? In addition, I'm rarely allowed to go out with my friends. I'm afraid even to ask for permission as both my parents are, unfortunately, very strict and over-suspicious. Can you imagine how it feel to be me? Sob, sob...

"Oh school, I just realise how I love you so much!" and how I hate you so much when school days begin.

It's funny how we feel so stressed at school with all assignments to finish and, at the same time, in vacation when we have nothing to do and wanting all that is opposite to what we are busy with. Human is really a creature that will never have enough.

Grad&Prom

2009-06-15T06:57:00.002+03:00

Well, I was busy with my exam. It finishes like... I don't know, it took too long. For the last 3 exams (I think), I didn't have any initiative to stud. I got bored! But that's HISTORY!

Last night, we had our prom. Yes, although I am still in year 11, I really wanted to go. So, I went. The graduation was ... okay, but the thing is, they messed up the certificates! Some of us received our friend's certificate, instead of us. I got mine right, but the name is totally wrong. See, my name is Nadya Hasnanda Khairuddin, but in the certificate, it is Nadya P. Sari. They put my friend's names on me!

After the graduation, we had dinner. I took many kinds of food, but left most of them untouched. It was not delicious. Most of the food were sour. I like sour foods, but not too much! To summaries, I took much more than my friends did. It's just.. my stomach wanted them. The best and worse part is the prom. It was cool, sexy and insane at the same time IF YOU HAVE A DATE. I did not have a date, so I ended up sitting on the back, watching people dance. It was so boring for me. I wished my "someone" was there. Someone asked me to dance, but dancing must be special. I want to only dance with the one I love (or such).

For next year, I think I'm going to attend the graduation only. I suppose I would not have the time and the guy to enjoy next year's prom. That is, if my parents allow me. When I told my mom that there would be next year too, she said why did I attend to this year grad? I should go only next year. Right, we have to pay much to come. But next year, I'm not going to waste my time no more. I have to be a responsible adult by next year and be accepted to some good universities. However, that is still a probability!

Is this also the reason why bats sleep at day time? *RANDOM QUESTION

2009-04-13T19:21:00.004+03:00

Eeryone..... good eveniiing! I am so darn sleepy.

Last night i enjoyed playing sorority life in facebook, so much, that I forgot to sleep. Luckily i drank capuccino few hours before. But coffees n the types usually can't kep me awake. It was cool ( on the first day) because i made such a marvellous progress in th game. I even downloaded a fashion designing software to create a pair of clothing or something to win a sorority life contest to get hundreds of brownie points! LOL I was so obsessed.

Anyway, my mom was sleeping on the couch in front of the tv, which is built on the other side of the wall where the computer is placed. She suddenly made a move and the time showed 2 pairs of digital numbers,separated by a ":". It read 02:30 (read : only estimation) and I perfectly knew if my mom catch me playin late at night, i wud be "preached" again. So I raced to my room, grabbed my blanket, and jumped on to the bed. Of course I did close the browser. I fought with my hard heartbeat when she checked on me. My heart was about to come out from my mouth. She said something and closed the door harshly. I think she knew. Oh well, the past is the past. She did not bother to preach me anyway.

However, I could not sleep ( well, to be exact, I did not want to), so I studied. I still have 7 subjects to be revised for the upcoming IGCSE exams that is less than a month and they said that studying very early in the morning is more than enough because our brains work more efficiently at this time. Wow, I feel like passing the exams although I only studied bio, chem and a little bit of physics. I studied for 2 and a half hour, so the time was maybe 5 am. I took a nap and at 7 am, I woke up. I did not feel sleepy at all, although i slept less than 4 hours. But.. now, I think it was because the effect of the capuccino, because i feel darn sleepy. During the whole afternoon, i was feeling light headed and I guess this is the peak. I should have some sleep. and study more. And, play less. I wish I can.

Zzz...

IGCSE exam n sleepinees.

2009-03-31T17:52:00.002+03:00

I skipped a day or two, didn't I ?

It was very late at night when I thought about doing my blog. It was around.. 11.25 p.m. n I had to go to school on the next day. So I skipped it.

The weird thing is, I drank coffee at that night, and still I got so sleepy before midnight. What is wrong with me? Did I drink too much caffeine before and my body became unaffected by it anymore? Then, what should I do if I get sleepy in a very important meeting or something?

And today as well! I got very sleepy at unfavorable time! IGCSE exams are coming, and if I can't study properly because of this sleepiness, I'm going to FAIL! yes, fail; a word nobody likes.

I made a self-study scheme for myself at home n it succeed for three days now. I hope I can keep it on going until the showtime. However, I can hardly trust myself. Because, every time I initiated to do anything good for myself, a little evil-ness can distract me. It is hard for me to be good. Ha ha.

Now, I think, if I get sleepy during the exam and fall asleep! All trying and struggle in maths and physics will be worth nothing! OH,God! please, let me pass and go to college or anywhere, except repeating my studies.

Oh, I can't write much from now on! today is 31 of March and tomorrow shall be the first day of April! IGCSE will start on 12 May for me! it's like.. 1 month 11 days from now on! So, I should ignore anything else and focused on my studies! I have to ignore what's happening around me as well. Ugh, it's hard, because right now, I'm discovering bits by bits something I should not know about some friends at my school. I guess, without me, trying to find it out, It'll reveal itself anyway. Althuogh it seems not fair. Okay, wish me luck.

"preaches"!

2009-03-28T19:42:00.003+03:00

Sunday is the first day of the school week here in Qatar. I'll have to go to school on Sunday when everybody else in other parts of the world will be sleeping or having fun. Therefore, I will start another boring school week tomorrow because tomorrow is Sunday. Now, it's clear that today is Saturday, right? I know it's nonsense.

Today I went to my Islamic course. I was late and my mum could not stop "preaching" me and my brothers about 'being late and your future' and, honestly, her high-pitch voice hurt my ears (because I sat beside her when she drives)! ouch! Besides, how can we be not late when the family members are not co-operative?

I woke up at some minutes past 7 a.m. - we should go at 8 a.m. - and no one had been ready to go! My brothers were all playing, Nofal with the PS2 and Nibel with the computer. The youngest one, Norman, was painting and pasting shapes that cannot be called a shape. My mum did not bother to force them to get ready, (maybe she did for hundred times and got tired) she was sweeping the house. So, I fed Norman, as asked by her, and took a shower. Then, I spent about 20 minutes in my room, deciding on what to wear, and another 20 minutes getting dressed up. My mum was shouting a "preach" for sure.

To make it short, then we went. All along the way she could not stop telling - shouting, to be factual - us about "lateness and future". I was glad when we arrived, because at last, my ears relieved.

At about 11 35, she picked us up after we've been left there waiting for about 20 minutes. In that 20 minutes, fights had happened between Norman and Nofal. Nofal is really a destructive brat. That time, fortunately, no harsh preach was given. When we arrived at home, I changed my clothes and helped in the kitchen. I fed Norman his lunch (he ate by himself, I was just giving him the plate) and I ironed Nibel's, Norman's and my clothes. The good thing was, my mum was sleeping, which means, I had to hear no angry preaches. Everytime she is awake, situated in the house and being amongst us, she is always angry and dissatisfied about everything we do. When I delay doing chores she asked me to do, she would get angry. But, when I do the chores, ( the boys never help her) she always have bad comments about how I have done it. What can we do? we are adapted to this kind of life. When we were young, we were rarely helping her in anything, because we had a servant in the house, back in Indonesia. We have no servant here in Qatar and that turned her to be this fierce and stressed. I guess she is not used to do all chores by herself.

Anyway, When I finished ironing the clothes, I went to swim with my friend. When I came back, she was standing in the kitchen, asking me casually, " where did you go?" with a sarcastic expression on her face. I just answered, " I went to swim," not less casual. I went straight to the bathroom to take a shower. I realised my towel was wet, so I sneaked in to her room, taking a new towel and went straight back to the bathroom. I put some clothes in the washing machine and turned it on before I went back to my room. Just to prevent more "preach" from her, of course. After wearing my new pyjama, I went to the kitchen and found her talking to a neighbour. I was glad, because when her friend is here, she would redeem herself, focusing her mind to her friend and stops her preach from breaking the house again.

After the neighbour left, I hurried to my room to prepare for the books tomorrow. I locked my room, because Nofal was annoying me, but the main reason was to flee from being her target to preach on. During my introspection of my school academic life, I realised that IGCSE exam is one month left from now. Then I made a self-study system to follow everyday at home. I hope I will do what I planned, because it is waaay harder for me to motivate myself than motivating others.

The house was breaking again when I study, so I got distracted and lost my appetite to "eat" the book. I went to the source of noise, which was my brothers' room, and found one bed was wrecked. Wow. Their room that looked like a shipwreck, was now looked much worse than the "neat" pig's barnyard. With books put unorganizedly on the malfunctionned table and the smell of a cat's family house, it was now updated with the latest blocks of wood with nails on it, and a space in the centre, which looked like a dug grave. Bored, I went to the computer to write this blog. She was still PREACHING ! With a lot of struggle ( I ignored her hurting preach and tried my best not to look at her) , I keep on blogging.

Now, I am afraid when she passes by, because I am updating my facebook and I'm not supposed to. Teehee.

Life is hard for me at times when my mother is preaching, and that means everyday, everytime. There are many times when I plan to finish school as fast as possible and start my college life away from home. But, of course I have the times when I feel lucky having this family. Nothing is constant in our lives.

Another unfairness!

2009-03-27T21:42:00.002+03:00

aah... Friday. What a weekend. I woke up at (about) 6.45 am. I remembered today is the day my father would go back to my beloved home country, Indonesia, to accompany my grandma. Days before, my mum told me to tell him what I need to buy from Indonesia. It's just embarrassing to tell him of what I need. I won't say undies and stuff like that to him. Although he's my dad, still I don't feel good asking a guy. It's better to tell a woman. and.. I want a gown! light blue or purple satin. for prom, of course. But I didn't say nothing to him. I was jealous - and still am jealous- of him flying to Indonesia by himself and canceling my vacation plan to Indonesia without discussing it with me! How could he do that? I mean, a family needs everything to be done by discussions and agreements. Furthermore, we are a family of SIX and I am a TEENAGER! I really need to travel out of boredom and run around like a monkey with my friends back in Indonesia, as teenagers are supposed to. Dad treats me like a little 5-year-old child who needs everything to be done by someone else. Well, some parts is true. But for the things I strive for, I would do everything by myself. When I have the mood for it, I have the go. He said I need to just ask him about something I'm certain and serious about,but he never agrees to one of my questions! That's why I would just wait for him to decide what's good for me (he thinks I can't live my life by myself).

I really miss my friends in Indonesia. My best friends here said that they would go back for vacation and they'll meet up without me if I don't. How sad. We even planned on what to do when we get back, but then when my father said it's cancelled...

Dad cancelled the vacation because mum doesn't want to go back. I know why. It's because if dad goes back to Indonesia with all of us, including mum, we'll be heading to his mother's house.
For a long time, there has been a fight between my mum and his mother. When we were going home from the airport mum started to flashbacks all her bad memories from my dad's family. From her stories, it seems like she is the one who gets all the losses. Although I sympathise her, I still want to know the truth. I'll ask her (my dad's mother) when I get back, well, I really want to. I guess I have to be my next-year- age (17) to be seen old enough to ask such question. It has made me leaking my tears for sometimes when I hear about it. I hate crying and feeling sad. I should end this sadness!

This problem could never shed away from my mind when it's not finished, right? But maybe, when I know the truth, I might be even more depressed of this family problem. What do you think? It's just I don't want to have a pair of parents whose parents are hating each other. This'll ruin me and my brothers ( I have 3 younger brothers)!

Her other reason is because we have nowhere to stay and feel completely comfortable. That's true. Last 2 year's vacation was not 100 percent enjoyable. I feel bad for making my relative's house as my family's nest. They made our meals, they shopped for us, they did everything for us. That's just not fair for them. There's no place more comfortable than our very own homes, right?

This is not fair, but I guess there's no other choice beside following the trails of my life. Maybe next year I will have my chance to go back and sort out all my problems there. Let's hope for the best.

Oh.. I'll text my dad about my needs and please... comment or answer my question above. Thank you. :D

the "cracking" day of prefects.

2009-03-26T16:49:00.003+03:00

Yes.. cracking. We had chemistry today and we talked about cracking alkanes. We thought that the teacher - who is also our form tutor - would be absent. I was late and I had no idea she would be late like any other day. I did the class register - I am talented to be a prefect, aren't I?
Back to the subject, we almost had fun, knowing the first period of the day would be an unknown free lesson. And... there she came, disrupting our free period. Well. I would not say "ruin" because she's one of my favourite teacher in that school.

She looked hurried. I told her that I did the register and she answered " I know. The driver is late". I whispered to my friend "that was not even a question, miss," and she laughed. I understand exactly what could be the problem. But, CHILL, miss. I am often late and she always says "okay. you're in," and why does she had to be so tensed to be late because of anybody else's mistake? Hey, nobody is perfect. Not even the headmaster.

Oh, I remembered. Maybe it was because the CIS came to the school. By the name, I thought it was the CSI school version. Thinking like this, gives me goosebumps. Brrr! Our management leader, who was once our physics teacher, told us the previous day that we should be obeying all the rules of the school for just this one day (perhaps because we NEVER obey them) and that this visit is something important for the school's future as one of the best international school in the world. Sure, that time will be when me and my peers had long gone from the school. We'll be the primitive inhabitants of the futuristic- promising-going-to-be- school. And this CIS visit rumbled my day. I was, at last, being a prefect in the school. Eventhough it's not like a real prefect system, at least I can wander around, confessing I'm in duty, and free myself from the class I dropped. Most of us year 11s are prefects and monitors. Today, the principal said that we're not going to activate the prefect system - only at break times. Oh, no no no! i need to eat at break times.. So I put off my "prefect" badge. The bad thing was I did not know where to go during my free class! So we (me and one of my best friend) decided to stay in physics lab. with my another best friend whose boyfriend was having a class there. We were, as usual, loud and fun, but not as fun as when my other-other best friend is around. We're not completely fun with one of us missing. Then the other year 12s came and played table-tennis on the lab's desk. Later, the class went back to the lab. and we decided to move to chemistry class next door to prevent disruption of their study. When we were "hanging out" in chemistry lab, I found out that my other-other best friend was also having free period. I initiated to fetch her, but then the "monitor" said everyone should stay in the class. I went back empty-handed (like it's something like fetching a very valuable thing LOL). When my bestfriend went to fetch her... wow! She was magically following behind her. IT WAS UNFAIR! the "monitor" did not let her out when I fetch her, yet she allowed my bestfriend to take her away from the class. NOT FAIR!

And then the four of us spent our time in chemistry lab. It wasn't as lively as usual.. it was rather dull. But, what can I do? I can't guess what they were thinking. Life is just mystery.
As we get older.. the more quiet we become. I guess what the elders said about "Quiet means maturity" is right.

Afterall, Thursday should be the most fascinating day of the week. because two days after Thursday are weekends! But... with the presence of physics in the day.. it's just another boring schoolday. I don't know why I don't like physics so much. I just don't have faith in it. I tried my best many times and often ends up with C. I'm just not talented in it. God had created me with strenghts and weaknesses.

And my life continues. What can I get tomorrow? Only God knows.

25 March 2009, nite.

2009-03-25T21:19:00.000+03:00

here is my first post. Actually, i made an account looooong time ago,, yet i have no time to manage it. I have been such a busy person - busy with something stupid - and life is just not as reminding as it should be.

Today had been my bad day, perhaps, because i rarely feel actually annoyed by my surroundings. It is just very weird about me that i don't even understand myself!! When someone asks about how I'm doing.. I feel this i-dont-know-what feeling inside my stomach that is literally not good. but i don't have to be sick to be not fine, right?

Anyway, last night i was sick. I had this flu and I think I am fine now. Unfortunately, the sickness spread to my head and stomach! well.. i took a cold shower before i went to bed and ate donut before eating my proper meal. Ugh! i felt terrible. My head spun like... i dont know. It didn't spin.. it throbbed! ouch, ouch,ouch! it should be because I slept with my head not totally dried up. And my stomach! For God sake, i hate stomachache more than any sickness i ever fell in (except running nose). Evenmore when i sleep! I could not feel any relaxation and it feels better to pop or burst like balloons than suffering the pain of a STOMACHACHE! And... uhhh... to be honest.. really.. it feels waaaaay.. - and i mean it- and waaay better when i dont stop farting until the last blow of the gas gets out of my digestive system. Teehee... funny, but it's real. I don't believe if there's a person who thinks that farting is not comfortable. However, when it happens, sometimes the pain DOES NOT go away. it stabs even sharper and meaner. That's the time when I give up to the pain, close my eyes and roll back and forth, just hoping i would fall asleep soon and the pain dies with it. I happened last night. Hufh... a misery of life.

Another misery : running nose. It is painful socially. When the liquid runs down your nose, and got discovered by the person sitting next to you... what would you do and what would they think?
Not many people are understanding. They feel good when they think that you're disgusting. Thats what I hate the most about running nose. People can't be blamed for this as when you happen to see a person with running nose you would feel better when you DO think they are disgusting. To understand is good, but not when you have to tolerate the sound and the mimic of their face when they clean their noses and when this liquid shows up,lying as a pair of 1s under that someone's nose. You can't burst out to laugh, nor make a disgusted expression on your face.
Funny facts are not always laughable.

So now.. I have to be ready for another stomachache. Because since minutes before, the gases inside my tummy are bumping the spincter muscle down my anus, wanting to break free. I have to surrender to them now.