I wish to meet you

Dear Past,

How are you? I haven't heard anything from you since we had that fight that tore my heart open. It's been a long long time since I knew you don't have it anymore for me. Since my heart means nothing to you and my sacrifices went invisible.

You may see me happy, I hope you see that, so that you can live your life without the need to worry about me (if you do), who used to depend on you for that one thing I can never succeed being alone. I am happy, yes I do. But then you know I have so many sides in my labyrinth, that use different kinds of chambers in my heart.

Did you know? You used to hate how independent I can be, that I tend to forget that you were by my side. But didn't I use to remind  you at all times, that you are still there, and the things I need you for were much bigger than those small problems I did not bother to burden you with. You meant much more than my problem solver. You were the only place I hang my weaknesses to. You were the only place I'm weak at. You were the only place where I am me.

I know that I'm different from your other pasts in some parts. They used to take care of you in all part of your life, while I couldn't. They used to call you all the time and be mad if you haven't call them. That is not very me. Sometimes I wonder, do I have anything better than them when we were still in love?

I really thank you for holding on with me for quite sometime. You are ideal when it comes to romance and relationship thing. I'm still feeling sorry for making you had a difficult time when you were with me. For making you think and feel like you're being taken for granted by me. Maybe I did that without realising. Maybe I said "thank you" less than your other girls.

In some parts, I'm glad you found someone else that can make you happy and be loved in the way you want. Shame it's not me, but I guess we have different ways afterall. But you know this feeling of having something precious to you taken away from you. This feeling of loss is hard to control. Sometimes I really want to smack that girl in the face or throwing you away so that neither I nor her or any other girls can reach you, but then I know that I must haven't love you yet if I still do want that.

If you really love someone you should give them their happiness,right? you would sacrifice your own happiness for them. I don't know if what I'm doing is right, but I am trying to let you go and be with whoever you want to be with. Maybe at the start, I was full of evil plans on how to make her leave you or how to make you leave her but then I am just nobody with that power. Lately I realise even when I felt so full of you, you may not feel the same. We can't force feelings to be same and equal, more when how we do is on different intensities.

It's a lie if I tell you I no longer want to have you in my life, can't we still be friends? Because I miss you. I miss your ways of telling me it's going to be okay, I miss you scolding me for the things I lack of. I miss how persistent you were in telling me how a girl should be.

Sorry, past. I hope this is the last last time I say that word to you because I haven't been able to forgive myself of lacking what you need and I haven't been able to get to the reality that this is what I get from doing such thing to you. Sorry for thinking you are the worst in history.

I wish, this is the last time I have anything in my heart for you. Last thing, I really want to meet you and end it all, . even when it has ended a long time ago. So that I can start again with a brand new empty slot in my heart without feeling miserable for him because I haven't finish everything with you.


Sincerely, Your Past.

"MAHA" student.

As you can see in the world news, today Indonesia is having a great flood in Jakarta. It is said to be the biggest flood in every 5 year. Most parts of Jakarta are being covered with flood, offices close, schools are off and some people are actually being evacuated. Helps are also coming from all kind of groups. From religious organisations to political parties of course with hope to raise their popularity.

Anyway, speaking of the disaster I was there to help an organisation of doctors in Indonesia. I helped giving medicines prescribed by the doctors to the victims of flood in the tent.  My position that time was as a student from a university, in Indonesia we are called as "Mahasiswa" which means "high" students. Well it doesn't mean that we like to get high, it means that we are more than just students who study and keep on studying our lesson at school. We have the right and the power to practice democracy in our country. We submit ideas for the country's improvement, we protest about any wrongness that has been done, etc. Being a "Mahasiswa" or a student of a higher level of education, we have duty to pursue. They are education, research and public service. We are to study (Of course, we are students after all), we are to make researches to improve the country and ourselves in the education field and we are to give out our strength to help those in need. It sounds very idealistic, isn't it? Seems to be so patriotic that it's impossible to be true. Well, even though in the real life it does not really look like that, we do apply those three points in our lives. I keep on searching for events where I can help public. I keep on studying and keep trying to get good grades, and although I haven't been in one research, I'm still trying to make research proposal and get into the national research competition.

A life as a university student is a very different story from when I was in secondary school. I didn't have a chance to get into the executive board when I was in the secondary school and they don't have this kind of executive board in Qatar. I realize that Indonesia makes their young generation a teaching about this leadership thing from school. Every school in Indonesia starting from junior high has their own structure of executive student council. It resembles the ministries in Indonesia. The greatest thing is this organisation is also made in every campus.

In the campus, I can see that I am responsible for my country's prosperity. The three points I said earlier made me realize that. There are things that school students and older people cannot do while university students can. That's how a "maha" student differs from others.

Corruption, Inequality, and Perception in the hand of the Press

*opening theme*

Narrator: And please welcome our old bloggerrrrrr..... NADYAAAA

*crowd cheers*

Hello, crowd. Did you miss me? it has been like.. 8 months since I wrote my last post. Well, I'm not really the type of person who likes to write all the time nor to have insomnia if I hadn't post any blog. In addition, my studies are getting more chaotic - to dramatize it - the more I get closer to my Bachelor title. I wish I have 48 hours a day. Phew!

8 months leaving my precious personal blog, 8 months with bloody tight schedule, 8 months older, 8 months with lots of thoughts to be shared, true stories to be told, and questions to ask.

What I'm realizing as I get older is that, I sense so many things are not fair in this world. I thought it was just about my country, a corrupted country. But in reality, every part of the world is like that. From third world country to first ones. What I mean by unfairness here is basically on most of our aspects in the society.

I admit that I'm still a teenager with so much idealism in my head and I must have it realized in front of my face. I'm an active student in the student council in the university who care so much about the ideal government even though I don't really know how government works. I'm fond of equality and justice. I feel like I am disciplined in the context of equality. It's a democratic country after all.
But over time, my idealism got ruined by the facts. Those who are chosen to lead us - the citizens, are not responsible. The meaning of democracy are being threatened by those who owns money. It's getting similar to a style of Monarchy.
Those people has made democracy seems only about the demonstrations that students made, the chaos that it turned out to be because of the apathetic response of the governor. Meanwhile, the people are suffering from inequality. All rules are made to be "flexible for stakeholders' family". Is that what they mean of justice and fairness?
Then they would teach us, university students about that. About forgetting what democracy really is and to close our eyes about other people. Yes, they teach us about SELFISHNESS.
Oh don't be so naive. They got tricks to hide this very object. They make us tired of the complexity and the complications of bureaucracy that based on democracy, so that we would just follow the line of this kind of "democracy".

That is one sample of unfairness I take from my country. Another sample is from a story I heard from my father, the victim of corruption. It was in a country in the Middle East, a quite globalized country, with every kind of people from around the world live in. My father works in an oil company there. Once, my father had an idea about how to improve something in his workplace based on his experience and education. He proposed this idea to the supervisor whom was Indian. Long after that, nothing has changed. My father did not get a call from the supervisor to present his resolution. But then, an Indian worker in his place got a raise because of an idea he had. Speaking of which, it was my father's exact idea. See? That is one kind of corruption,Sir. From that moment on, I could never ever ever trust an Indian. Well,I'm not trying to be a racist, but those guys made me.

Another example of inequality that the FIRST WORLD COUNTRY do is the conflict of Gaza. As the Press had shown us that The United States chosen to announce cease fire when Israel was at the losing side. Why not at the time when Palestinian were being brutally attacked? They let Palestinian be bashed for years. Very cruel the U.S. is. Is that because the hatred the United States have towards only one religion? It is a shame. Another thing is, maybe we can see that there is no problem about the equality in the U.S. Of all the things, money can change any rule. Who said that there is no bribe done in the U.S? There are many of them, but the Press maybe is just too busy collecting the shame of other country and small problems in their own country.

Nowadays, the Press is actually holding the decision of the people and creating a perception about something. As I noted above, maybe the Press of the United State is cooperative enough to create a good perception of the U.S. So, the other way around in other places. Many journalists are easy to bribe to give good and sensational stories. Some are paid by the ministry or certain people, some are just to gain popularity. Even the people now don't care anymore about a news they don't want to hear. "Maybe the payment is high for this news," they said. What are the Press for? To solely give out facts? How about inserting the essence to improve the country?

Too many things are wrong and they are connected with each other somehow. Too many things are just not like what it used to be back when I was a little girl. No fairness, no justice, no equality. They are all  rare now. But I wish I still and will always have this sense of fairness in me. I'm afraid that when I'm fully grown up, nothing is real anymore.

Nadya Hasnanda, 8 months older than the last post, reported.

much thing to say.

Good day, good day. Long time no post, eh? teehee, I was to busy and will be very busy from tomorrow until the 8th of June, my exam day. 

The worst thing is, this last module of my college's schedule is very very very strict. no playing time, and nobody can do nothing about it. Darn. So that means I have to enjoy my first week of the module as if I'm not going to be alive tomorrow. 

Hm, By the way by this time I was writing this blog, I was in a class. ha-ha. Too lazy to listen to the lecture, I should've record this lecture. Oh, hell. why am I so lazy?

What else? Oh. this is a long time since then I was heart-broken, now I have a new boyfriend. HAHAHA. life is sureeee goooood. It's been around three months now, but the thing is this one gives me a lot of challenges. Fights, confusion, and all. I guess this is not all bad. It's teaching me how to be an adult - a wise one.

Talking about it, it reminds me about the side effect of having a boyfriend - the ex-girlfriend. My bf used to have a girl about 2 months before he and I get to know each other.  I, as curious as usual, was searching a little about this girl few days before he asked me out and you should know what I found - disappointment. Very deep, she was like putting a "beware! don't take my BF" thing on her page in social network where we are connected. She texted my BF during a fight between us, and then felt so superior against me, as if I don't have the capacity to be a good girlfriend for him.

I'm not really a sensitive girl for this kind of thing, and I know this is very much for him. but, hey I'm learning.. hehe
Back to the story, time flies away and so her feeling for him (I guess). She was never to touch me and my bf.  I hope she was okay with it now. But... sometimes I see her in the campus, and although we used to, at least, know each other, she pretends to not know me at all. Oh well, it's a shame to lose a friend but as long as this is better than anything else, it's okay for me.

That is one story. the teacher is still babbling about pictures of liver tissue.. in human, now. It was compared to those of pigs in the opening of her lecture while my friend and I was telling each other about who us the pig. Ha-ha.

There are lots of things we have in our liver. we even have a triangle in our liver.. I'm thinking if it's like the Bermuda Triangle for the hepatocytes (liver cells)..?? God knows. In this triangle called Kiernan Triangle is found the liver artery, vein and something else. I forgot.

Battery is low now. So I have to listen to the lecture... or sleep. Teehee. Wait for my new post by then! :)

Patriotic Bless in Ramadhan

Ramadhan Kareem, Muslims! May Allah bless us through this entire holy month! Ramadhan is always the special month people, especially muslims, are waiting for. Muslims pray to their fullest attention, begging for the mercy of Allah, The Creator of every existence.

Unlike the previous Fasting Month, this year I'm having another mission beside getting closer to Allah.

My friends and I are making this event themed nationalism in the environment of fighters of the nation history. Yes, they are old men and women (perhaps), with many messages from the past for the future of this nation. Beside making these people happy and raising back their spirit of nationalism, we're going to spread this precious messages from them to the entire nation, targeting the youths of the nation. I hope for my country's growth and prosperity in later years.

Earlier, I was going home by taxi. During the trip, the driver talked much about how our country is misleaded and all the negatives. I was only listening, agreeing and disagreeing with what he said inside my head. It was then when he said that the youth, like me, like us, should make a revolution again in order to make things better. He said we, the intellectual fighters should use whatever we have in mind and take it into action, especially the medical students. Why medical students? Because there are many young people whom are medical students in their time revoked revolution. Such as Budi Utomo.

I agreed, about this and I started talking about the mission I and my colleagues are having. I talked about publishing our event to the whole country, and he was supporting all the way. I never thought about publishing it to television programme, he suggested us to do that. I also told him about the upcoming essay competition regarding nationalism, and he was very enthusiastic in the idea. He even wants to participate in the competition.

Glad to see some people still care about how to improve the nation.

We just have to find an unusual but applicable way to do good changes. Changes, or revolution does not have to be all about wars and hardrock stuff, it can be pursued by intellectual approach. But sometimes, things do not go so well, and we must take another way to do it.

However our way to solve it, remember. The government and public both have the same thing they really care about, it is the country. Both of them should ally to make the country reach prosperity, avoid being the foe of each other. Support each other. When the fact government has forgotten about what they are standing for, remind them. That is our jobdesk as youth of the nation.

Parents ARE the best!

Fellow readers,

How long have I been silent? For months (approx. one and a half months) I have been heart-broken. Ha ha. FYI, I was in a relationship with a classmate for 5 months. Late April, he asked for a break up, so we broke up. Well, It was my fault to feel so deeply in love ( I feel so lame), that when that happened, I was like thrown from the seventh floor of the sky. I could not study properly, doing so bad in organisations- loss of responsibilities, I felt my life was falling apart. Fighting so hard within myself, I try to be professional. That means poker face. Yeah, acting all sturdy and strong, making fun of all my sorrow in front of the ones I trust (that literally means everyone around me), telling everybody I'm falling apart.. so they'd take it lightly, and think that I was okay. Tears were like.. lame. Then I called my Dad via Messenger, I was about to ask him if he let me to go to something like a training camp. After asking how was I doing, he talked about how I do in academics. I told him everybody was having a decline in the academic reports rate, but I felt like he knew what was happening to me. He told me to stay strong: all the tricks. Ha ha. It was an awkward thing to talk about. It was the first time I told my parents about who I liked and all that lovey-dovey stuff of a child. I had always thought they'd see me like it was a silly thing, but hey, they DO understand me the best. The best answer was that from my parents. I have asked all the girls I knew, even my best boy friend (that is a boy whom is my best friend) about how to ignore this thing, but then I found the magical answer from my very own parents.

Thank you Mom, Dad. I love you.
(okay, this is starting to feel so lame, oh, I'm such a drama queen).

late at night and Gram colouring

The exam is only a week away, and I just can't sleep. I'm not busy thinking about how I can pass the upcoming exam, it's because I drank a can of coffee. Talking about the exam this time, this part of the study is really heavy. We are forced to learn like.... thousands of points in only 6 weeks of learning. isn't that heavy? I just got hectic about this. I lost my belief in studying, it's too much! and I'm just any ordinary young woman.

This chapter is about infection, the chapter which differ Indonesia than any other countries. Here, we are to learn about helminths ( worms), microorganisms, including viruses. Then, comes the medicines to counterattack the "invading" microorganisms. If I say it like this, it doesn't seem too hard, but when we see the details, it's just a little bit different than hell.

I just had my skill exam on colouring microorganism, and I just can hope I pass. Made so many mistakes, I hope the Almighty love me more, and I can pass. Things to remember when someone does Gram colouring:

1. The object glass should be clean, clear from anything.

2. Don't dip it too much in alcohol

3. shake the tube of bacteria when about to take it.

Those things are the things I did not do perfectly, and so I just can't find the negative Gram bacteria, streptococcus, etc.

Forget about the Gram colouring, I still got another skill exam, malaria - I must learn more about this- and written exam about the whole thing of infection. gaaah, it's more than a lot of thing, but I must try my best.

I hope I will not do repeats for all this, as after the exam, I really want to have fun. ( FYI, I got stressed!)