the treasure in my past.

Good news, I got rank 5 out of 38 in the class. It was unbelievable. I thought I might not be in the best 10.

Anyway, I am, at last, having my semester vacation. It is around 2 weeks and then I will have to fight (study) harder to suceed in the final exams and get to my favourite university. I'm still hoping to go to Germany, but since Dad said that I better start here, so I'll just obey him. But it is not easy to get into that university. I just don't have the spirit. Actually, I don't really want to get there, my parents want me to. That university is the most prestigious university in the country. And that is why they want me to get there.

Last night, I went to a wedding party. The groom was a student of that university. I wanted to ask him about how to get there, but it was impossible. I did not know him and he was busy. So after saying congratulations,my grandfather and I ( I went with him) went home. In the taxi, I start thinking about my future. About how can I get to that university so that my parents will be proud of me. In the end, I reviewed my past. The first thing that come to my mind was my grandma's house. In my memory, it was a big house and I feel comfort in the house. That is my precious place.

When I was a little girl, I used to go to my grandma's house every holiday. I spent most of my childhood with grandma, and that house. My grandma's house has no AC, but comforting wind flows in and out freely. There used to be fruit trees, but they are no longer there, tsunami cleaned them up. There were problems when I was in the house. However,only that house is strong in my memory. There were funny things happened there. Most of my childhood memory involved that house.

I don't know why it is the most clear view when I close my eyes. Maybe I'm just being lame about it.

Mysteries in life is what keep me on going. I want to know about them. These mysteries are making me strong, physically and mentally. Mysteries that involve feelings, and hidden truths that are kept inside people's hearts. Those are mysteries that I'm craving to know. They will be my treasure.

worries!!

I am really worried if I would not be able to succeed in my future. I'm doing my best right now, but I still am not good in some subjects and miss out a year study. It's really difficult for me to catch up... But I'm still trying. The way the world revolves around me is somehow weird. I always feel ok, but the real thing is not clear and I don't know where will my life lead me to.

But I know, there is the Almighty controlling me and my life. I don't have to worry too much. Just giving the best is enough. But still, my parents wish for me to succeed...

hmmm...

It has been a long absence since I last wrote a post. I got too many ideas during my absence, that I got no idea what to write today. Annoying,really. Just when you get an idea, you don't have the chance to write it down. But afterall, i'm still alive.

Life is never flat. That is what they say. and it happens to me. but not to some people. aaah... sooo boriiing... without something meaningful to write about..... I'm dyiingg.... heeelllp. (being random)

gaaah! I fail MATHHHHH!!!!

Three more days and the midsemester exams finally over. I can't say i'm satisfied with my marks, and I'm really NOT! I can't believe I got 76 on Biology!!! That's a break down for me... I should reach at least 80/100 in Bio so that The U of Indonesian will accept me to study in its medicine campus. Not only Biology, I have to pass in chemistry, mathematics and physics!!!!! I do average in chemistry n I hope I can get 80 in it, but physics and math?! Hell, they're the hardest! Today I did my maths exam. I did so very bad and I think I have to re sit the exam. I don't know how I can be so blank when it comes to exam. I thought I understood chapter already, but.... Oh well, I have to study harder in it, I guess. NO. I have to study harder in ALL subjects. Furthermore, I don't really get physics, but I try to not re sit the physics exam. Wish me luck.

One more thing that is making me half crazy: The university entrance exam try out day is coming in less than a month and I haven't learn the subjects of year 10 and 11! ( I miss a year study because in comparison to the British system, the material of year 10 in Indonesia is being taught in 2 years in Britain).

Sigh, I hope I can pass the third year with good grades and enroll in my chosen university. Please, God. Help me! I will study harder and the hardest, but it won'y be accomplished if You are not wanting me to. God, please CHANGE me to be someone that can work harder than this.

i'm back again.!

As you all know, I spent the last short holiday to go back to qatar. I brought some clothes, shoes, bags, books, accessories, etc. I didn't seem that I brought a little too much, but when I get back to my grandma's, I found it so.

Days at my own house ( well, my dad's) is no difference than before. I'm still the one my mom asked for when it comes to housework. My dad is as annoying as always. My brothers are still fighting with one another, I thought that we are somehow programmed to live like this. I just feel sorry for myself. But I'm lucky that I haven't had the time to be mad at by my dad.

My story today is about my moment in the aircraft.
So, 29th of September was my return day. I prepared evertyhing carefully and try my best to remember evertyhing, so none of my things will be left - but in the end of the day I forgot to bring my mobile's charger and the box.

fast - forwarding, I was at Doha international airport and waited for Gate 2 to be opened. I tried to go online, but all I saw was the browser page saying the no connection thing. Then when the Gate is opened, I went in. Luckily, I met a friend. She also had her flight on the same night and the same airplane as me. So I got a friend to travel with (there was also my dad's friend). The flight went smoothly and I was now in the plane going to Jakarta from Abu dhabi ( i had a transit there). Actually I got seat 20C, but I changed it with my friend who had her seat at the tail of the ship. I was thinking to change my seat with someone near her, but then I could not. Then, there I was. In the middle between an annoying, can't-shut-up woman and a smelly businessman. The first hour was really upsetting but then I got adapted to my place. It was then became funny when the woman started talking to a man across her seat (my dad's friend's friend: I know it's hard to conclude). I don't know how she started, but when I heard it, she was talking about romantic relationship with him. I knew she was attracted to him. The funniest part was when we landed and going into the airport. so she went to the line first, then me, then the man. She asked for her hand luggage, and when she was me behind her, she was quiet. She asked me to change our place! She wanted to be near him! OMG! how could che show it up? had she no shame? I don't know, but it was funnnnnyyy!

Life is really funny at times but really depressing at other times. Momentary first sight attractions are often misjudged as love. Then comes the funny times, and when it fails, the depressing moments arrive. I think the ups and downs of life depends on how we structured them to be,so we should be able to choose the best for it.

note: I saw a cute guy! and it happened on all my journeys. But why can't I ever get the number of one of them?

ied al fitr & homecoming

hello! and happy ied al-Fitr for Muslims in all parts of the world. How was your fasting? Did it does you any good? Mine was.... you don't need to know. I can't say i'm satisfied with it, because I did not put my all into it. My way was blocked by menstruation. I know it's not something I should talk about, but it's the fact. I'm not blaming it, I believe it comes from God. It's my life line from the Lord.

How was the first day of Ied? did you go to your relatives'? I did, although I don't really recognise them. Just so you know, I'm now in Abu Dhabi International Airport, on the way back to qatar. I told you Í moved to Indonesia, and that's true. I'm just visiting my parents and I'll be back before 1 October. Tiring, I know. But I don't want to say it out loud.

Nothing feels different. Nothing changes in me. I'm still the overly laid back kid you know yesterday. That's weird(despite I already know that I'm weird). I should feel different. I should feel like I'm much older now and I must be more responsible. I should change! I don't know whats wrong with the procedure. Or could it be because everything happened too sudden?

Im coming home now. I should be happy,right? But I feel so so, nothing extreme. I feel like making a sin. Life is always like this for me. Does it does the same to you?

headache!

it's not a physical headache actually, it's more like something you wish to kill. it's disappointment.

yesterday, (or a few days ago) my other grandma,who came from Aceh, asked me to go to my uncle's house and sleepover in the house, she would pick me up from my granddad's house. it's normal. A grandma who had not meet her granddaughter in a long time will use every moment to meet up and share the time together. I understand that and I was happy to accept the invitation. But life is random. nobody can guess what will happen to you that makes you unable to do something, or to meet someone important. God did not allow me to meet up with her. My mobile was broken at the night before the day and I was unable to contact her at all, because her number was not kept in the sim card.

So, I called my uncle in the morning and asked him to tell my grandma that my mobile is broken and I'm going to repair it,therefore i won't be available for sometime. I told him to tell her my granddad's mobile number and the telephone number in order to inform whether i'm in the house at the time.

Then I went to repair my mobile. I waited for any contact from her. Nothing. No calls, or even SMS. So, I thought she did not go yet. I went back home at 3 p.m. and I was still waiting for her. I did not change my clothes. Then, at 4 p.m. she called. She told me that she came but nobody was at home. I was trully shocked. I thought,"how can she be like that? I thought I sent a message thru someone close to tell her about my inconvenience." She spoke to me as if I AM the one in the wrong side, not her loveliest son-in-law. great, I thought. She started to be like the person I don't like. She texted me which said to go direct to her and not to any other person. WT.....!! I was really angry. and upset. and of course disappointed.

She called me more than once. I know that she as disappointed, so was I! It's not like the world revolves around her..

It's just... really annoying when someone is so sensible and try to show it up. I am also so very sensible , but I try to HIDE it down. because not everyone like such people. I always try to give it my bestest expressions : smile, laugh,jokes; although when the time is the worst in my life. Or is it because that is how a woman do things? If it is so, than I would gladly clarify that i'm still a little girl.

after a looong absence..

hi hi hi! how's everything? I'm safe and sound. for your information, i'm still in indonesia.
i told you guys that i'll be back to qatar by 12 september.
But lots of things have happened and I stayed in indonesia until now. The truth is.. i moved back to Indonesia. I changed my school. I'm now a student of an Indonesian school. How can it be? I'm also amazed if I remind everything.

It was 2 months ago, July , to be quite exact. My dad called at 10 p.m. and told my grandma if she can put me in a school in Indonesia (my grandma's a teacha). After a long talk then my grandma tried to put me in. and after a looooooooooong procedure,that I dont want you to know, im a student of that school.

The school's great! the classmates are the coolest! but the subjects are the most unfriendly. it's drn dificult!!! but I believe I can! *force myself to believe it*

I dont wanna talk much about it bcz I forgot most of it. You just need to know that i'm now a student of this school called SMAN 3 in Jakarta.

Ok guys, I know this makes no sense, but I must go offline now.

Adieu,! c U!

vacation. er.. sudden vacation.

Hey people, hey world! How is it today? Whatever you are concerned with? I, unbelievably, am in Indonesia right now! Even I can hardly believe that I went all the way from Qatar to here, right now, online.

It is actually not something I should brag about, but it is my first time traveling TOTALLY ALONE! (despite I luckily found a friend and her family together going to the same destination). I thought that it would be scary, difficult, plus my father said that the world is not trust able. However, it went smoothly. In Qatar Airport, it was so simple and when I was arrived, it was okay...

At first, there was no intention to go to Indonesia. My parents did not want to go, and that automatically means I can't go. But, when my father saw the German course here, He went busy calling my uncle in Indonesia to apply me to the course. The day after tomorrow, he went out and at 5 p.m, he called home and asked me to prepare all my things to fly on that exact night. Great Lord! I was bewildered. I put all my best clothing ( 8 pairs) on the suitcase. It was too sudden, I forgot to bring my anti perspirant(of course I bought another one here)! My father had an Indonesian SIM card and he gave it to me. I took a picture of it.. but I can't post it since I forgot to bring the card reader (it's expensive to buy one). We ( me and my grandpa) went to his house by bus and bajaj. I also took some pictures, but due to the absence of the card reader...

Yesterday ( 6 July) I went to my first class. It was confusing to take care of all the financial matters and some special requests. I wanted to change the class to be earlier in the afternoon because my course starts at 5.30 p.m - 9 p.m. , while I live far from the course place and I don't have a personal car. ( I use public transport and, moreover, led by my gramps, the owner of the house I'm staying at.) But it came to our surprise that there is no other time for the course and all other intensive courses are full. So, I have to deal with it myself. Sure, My gramps could not accompany me for 2 whole months! The problems are that it is unsafe to travel alone at night and there are a lot of transports with different destinations, I have to memorise which ones to get on. I hope I'll remember it in no time.

Now, I'm missing my parents. They complaint about why I never care to call them. It's not the I don't want to call them, I always become confused on what to talk about and we WILL end up in uncomfortable silence... wasting of credit. see? I have a reasonably good reason. But honestly.. i'm really lonely. I feel uncomfortable around my gramps and now.. i feel like the whole world hates me. I think I have to bear it because in the end i have to live alone ( refers to university).

Anyway... I'll catch up with this blog again. When I have time. *teehee :(

I know why Michael Jackson is dead!

MJ's (not Mary-Jane) death is today's hottest news, huh? Death of a superstar is always a big news. Like some times ago, Heath Ledger's death. It made such a big scene,didn't it? Why do famous people always get the most attention? Why does a fire fighter's death in a heroic scene in Bangladesh, or a flying minaret's attic - it was true, I saw it on youtube - not shaking the world? Why does the Press only set their eyes on the most common happenings in a first wolrd country and ignore bizarre phenomena that happens in third world settings? I think the Press doesn't really covers the whole world.

Michael Jackson is a single human, for real! What is wrong with a human's death, although he is a famous person? It is not impossible for a man at his 50s to die. It is possible for a toddler to die because of a single matter, such as choked with food! People die when their time comes and this time is totally unpredictable. "Do you know that your sister will die tomorrow?" and you will be laughing so hard that you cry. No normal human can predict when he will get hit by a car or when he will get a heart attack. Even the prediction of when a baby will be born is often wrong.

So, what's the big deal? Why can't we move on when someone die? Death is a very common thing that happens in surprising - and sometimes unexpected - times. Yes, we'll feel sad when a close friend pass away, but he's just one person. We may be next. I say, we better move on and learn from that. Sometimes there are unfinished matters of a dead person, we can help him to finish it, can't we? If we help him with eyes still full of tears,heart full of sorrow and head filled with pessimistic feelings, we may end up making a mess with his matter, right? If we delay to do it until we get over it, maybe his matter will be much worse and complicated than it was, won't it?

Michael Jackson's death is a sad thing for the world, especially to his family. Furthermore, the police is now checking his dead corpse, messing up with his internal organs. Isn't making his family even sadder? Why don't they just let him rest in peace? Can't just the police fufilled their curiosity with only gathering alibies from his surroundings? He passed away and there's nothing and no one that can bring him back even though he is killed or used drugs. Honestly, I think it is scary to be famous.

the reason for my dream of college life.

Today is another start of my boring day. As usual, this time is my computer time, but I actually using my laptop instead of the computer because, somehow, one of my brothers stay at home. This is bothering me very much! This is the only time where I can freely use the computer without the disturbance of those little monkeys (although I still have to listen to my mother's preachings). They are really troublesome, bothersome, loud some, etc.

Sometimes, I feel like I can't take them anymore and I want to just fly away from this really annoying house. Remembering that now I am in year 11, I have one year left for that thought to come true. When I finish my year 12, I would start going to university and, hopefully, live my independent college life. That is what keeping me waiting very patiently. The idea that I can finally be like what I want is thrilling me, so although I always get a breakdown, I can face up the world again.

However, people say that there are no family without any love between them. I do care about my family. If I don't, then why do I bother to call that woman as my mother, that man as my father and those brats as my brothers? It is true that I hate them the most, but after all, I know deep in my heart that they are only humans that sometimes can misunderstand, even though I don't know how to fix the bond between me and father.

To be honest, I hate to feel like that. It makes me feel pathetic. I like to put on a strong expression, the mask that says I use my head more than my feelings (and covers up the opposite fact)... And to continue my point of the story, It would be great if I can live alone. My days are filled with orders and commands by my mother and I often get sick of it. furthermore, I am the only girl in this house and to make it worse, I am the firstborn! In conclusion, I have the responsibility to look after my younger brothers now and my parents when they get old and, at the same time, to have the ability to master house works! I really am cursed, aren't I ? I find it a very heavy burden on my shoulders. When I'm off to college life, I might reduce the burden or, at least, postpone it. I hope, when the time comes, I will be a much more mature woman and might handle this responsibilities whole-heartedly.

School is "fun"!

Today is the first week of my vacation. I have my vacation weeks earlier than my brothers. This is all due to my IGCSE exams which finishes earlier than school exams. However, I don't feel like I'm really in a vacation. This is worse than school days where I have to get up early in the morning, yawning all the way to the bathroom and from home to school. Today, those days enlighten me.

People describe vacation as the time of leisure, but here I feel as if I'm waiting for death to come. I'm really so very bored. Let me enlist my typical day at home:

• After waking up at 8, I make my bed, open the curtains, and turn off the lamps ( I sleep with the lights on).
• Then I would go to the washroom to wash my face, brush my teeth and other sanitation.
• Afterward, I travel my way to the kitchen, grab a sweep and sweep all parts of the house ( or my mother will start her "preaching" again).
• Usually, I would find my mother in the kitchen. In this time, I'm unemployed. I wait for my mother to tell me what to do, but she always starts shouting at me for not "helping her". For God sake! I don't now what else to do. Some other times, she would ask me to wash the clothes (with washing machine), hand-wash bleached clothes or dishes.
• Next, I might sit in front of the computer, doubting on what to browse and end up logging in facebook.
  
• When my mother starts shouting, I would log out of my facebook account, go to the kitchen with a frowning face and listen as she "curse" me and command me on what to do (she's really scary).
• When the jobs in the kitchen are all finished, I would watch tv, changing channels everytime I see ads and feel bloody bored.
• Still feeling bored, I would go to the computer again ( if it's absent of my brothers' hands) or I might enter the toilet, sit on the W.C. and do nothing. Pretty stupid, right? Oh well, I think I've lost my mind.
• The time now would be around 3 o'clock or 4 in the afternoon. When I'm finished with my preayers, sometimes I take a nap, but often, I continue on watching tv, browsing the internet or do some other idiotic movements in my room with the door locked.
  
• When the next prayer comes on dawn, I would do my prayer, close the curtains and off to the kitchen (again). I would put the dinner apparatus for my father, along with the shouting of my mother in my ears. After dinner, I would clean the table, kitchen tables, wash the dishes (often but not always) and sweep the kitchen floor.
• Afterward, I often watch the tv, but tonight, I am able to touch the computer ( it is very rare for me to be able to connect to the computer when my father is home).
• After this, I might go to bed.
• When I fall asleep and the mornign comes, the whole list will rewrite itself.

Boring, isn't it? In addition, I'm rarely allowed to go out with my friends. I'm afraid even to ask for permission as both my parents are, unfortunately, very strict and over-suspicious. Can you imagine how it feel to be me? Sob, sob...

"Oh school, I just realise how I love you so much!" and how I hate you so much when school days begin.

It's funny how we feel so stressed at school with all assignments to finish and, at the same time, in vacation when we have nothing to do and wanting all that is opposite to what we are busy with. Human is really a creature that will never have enough.

Grad&Prom

Well, I was busy with my exam. It finishes like... I don't know, it took too long. For the last 3 exams (I think), I didn't have any initiative to stud. I got bored! But that's HISTORY!

Last night, we had our prom. Yes, although I am still in year 11, I really wanted to go. So, I went. The graduation was ... okay, but the thing is, they messed up the certificates! Some of us received our friend's certificate, instead of us. I got mine right, but the name is totally wrong. See, my name is Nadya Hasnanda Khairuddin, but in the certificate, it is Nadya P. Sari. They put my friend's names on me!

After the graduation, we had dinner. I took many kinds of food, but left most of them untouched. It was not delicious. Most of the food were sour. I like sour foods, but not too much! To summaries, I took much more than my friends did. It's just.. my stomach wanted them. The best and worse part is the prom. It was cool, sexy and insane at the same time IF YOU HAVE A DATE. I did not have a date, so I ended up sitting on the back, watching people dance. It was so boring for me. I wished my "someone" was there. Someone asked me to dance, but dancing must be special. I want to only dance with the one I love (or such).

For next year, I think I'm going to attend the graduation only. I suppose I would not have the time and the guy to enjoy next year's prom. That is, if my parents allow me. When I told my mom that there would be next year too, she said why did I attend to this year grad? I should go only next year. Right, we have to pay much to come. But next year, I'm not going to waste my time no more. I have to be a responsible adult by next year and be accepted to some good universities. However, that is still a probability!

Is this also the reason why bats sleep at day time? *RANDOM QUESTION

Eeryone..... good eveniiing! I am so darn sleepy.

Last night i enjoyed playing sorority life in facebook, so much, that I forgot to sleep. Luckily i drank capuccino few hours before. But coffees n the types usually can't kep me awake. It was cool ( on the first day) because i made such a marvellous progress in th game. I even downloaded a fashion designing software to create a pair of clothing or something to win a sorority life contest to get hundreds of brownie points! LOL I was so obsessed.

Anyway, my mom was sleeping on the couch in front of the tv, which is built on the other side of the wall where the computer is placed. She suddenly made a move and the time showed 2 pairs of digital numbers,separated by a ":". It read 02:30 (read : only estimation) and I perfectly knew if my mom catch me playin late at night, i wud be "preached" again. So I raced to my room, grabbed my blanket, and jumped on to the bed. Of course I did close the browser. I fought with my hard heartbeat when she checked on me. My heart was about to come out from my mouth. She said something and closed the door harshly. I think she knew. Oh well, the past is the past. She did not bother to preach me anyway.

However, I could not sleep ( well, to be exact, I did not want to), so I studied. I still have 7 subjects to be revised for the upcoming IGCSE exams that is less than a month and they said that studying very early in the morning is more than enough because our brains work more efficiently at this time. Wow, I feel like passing the exams although I only studied bio, chem and a little bit of physics. I studied for 2 and a half hour, so the time was maybe 5 am. I took a nap and at 7 am, I woke up. I did not feel sleepy at all, although i slept less than 4 hours. But.. now, I think it was because the effect of the capuccino, because i feel darn sleepy. During the whole afternoon, i was feeling light headed and I guess this is the peak. I should have some sleep. and study more. And, play less. I wish I can.

Zzz...

IGCSE exam n sleepinees.

I skipped a day or two, didn't I ?

It was very late at night when I thought about doing my blog. It was around.. 11.25 p.m. n I had to go to school on the next day. So I skipped it.

The weird thing is, I drank coffee at that night, and still I got so sleepy before midnight. What is wrong with me? Did I drink too much caffeine before and my body became unaffected by it anymore? Then, what should I do if I get sleepy in a very important meeting or something?

And today as well! I got very sleepy at unfavorable time! IGCSE exams are coming, and if I can't study properly because of this sleepiness, I'm going to FAIL! yes, fail; a word nobody likes.

I made a self-study scheme for myself at home n it succeed for three days now. I hope I can keep it on going until the showtime. However, I can hardly trust myself. Because, every time I initiated to do anything good for myself, a little evil-ness can distract me. It is hard for me to be good. Ha ha.

Now, I think, if I get sleepy during the exam and fall asleep! All trying and struggle in maths and physics will be worth nothing! OH,God! please, let me pass and go to college or anywhere, except repeating my studies.

Oh, I can't write much from now on! today is 31 of March and tomorrow shall be the first day of April! IGCSE will start on 12 May for me! it's like.. 1 month 11 days from now on! So, I should ignore anything else and focused on my studies! I have to ignore what's happening around me as well. Ugh, it's hard, because right now, I'm discovering bits by bits something I should not know about some friends at my school. I guess, without me, trying to find it out, It'll reveal itself anyway. Althuogh it seems not fair. Okay, wish me luck.

"preaches"!

Sunday is the first day of the school week here in Qatar. I'll have to go to school on Sunday when everybody else in other parts of the world will be sleeping or having fun. Therefore, I will start another boring school week tomorrow because tomorrow is Sunday. Now, it's clear that today is Saturday, right? I know it's nonsense.

Today I went to my Islamic course. I was late and my mum could not stop "preaching" me and my brothers about 'being late and your future' and, honestly, her high-pitch voice hurt my ears (because I sat beside her when she drives)! ouch! Besides, how can we be not late when the family members are not co-operative?

I woke up at some minutes past 7 a.m. - we should go at 8 a.m. - and no one had been ready to go! My brothers were all playing, Nofal with the PS2 and Nibel with the computer. The youngest one, Norman, was painting and pasting shapes that cannot be called a shape. My mum did not bother to force them to get ready, (maybe she did for hundred times and got tired) she was sweeping the house. So, I fed Norman, as asked by her, and took a shower. Then, I spent about 20 minutes in my room, deciding on what to wear, and another 20 minutes getting dressed up. My mum was shouting a "preach" for sure.

To make it short, then we went. All along the way she could not stop telling - shouting, to be factual - us about "lateness and future". I was glad when we arrived, because at last, my ears relieved.

At about 11 35, she picked us up after we've been left there waiting for about 20 minutes. In that 20 minutes, fights had happened between Norman and Nofal. Nofal is really a destructive brat. That time, fortunately, no harsh preach was given. When we arrived at home, I changed my clothes and helped in the kitchen. I fed Norman his lunch (he ate by himself, I was just giving him the plate) and I ironed Nibel's, Norman's and my clothes. The good thing was, my mum was sleeping, which means, I had to hear no angry preaches. Everytime she is awake, situated in the house and being amongst us, she is always angry and dissatisfied about everything we do. When I delay doing chores she asked me to do, she would get angry. But, when I do the chores, ( the boys never help her) she always have bad comments about how I have done it. What can we do? we are adapted to this kind of life. When we were young, we were rarely helping her in anything, because we had a servant in the house, back in Indonesia. We have no servant here in Qatar and that turned her to be this fierce and stressed. I guess she is not used to do all chores by herself.

Anyway, When I finished ironing the clothes, I went to swim with my friend. When I came back, she was standing in the kitchen, asking me casually, " where did you go?" with a sarcastic expression on her face. I just answered, " I went to swim," not less casual. I went straight to the bathroom to take a shower. I realised my towel was wet, so I sneaked in to her room, taking a new towel and went straight back to the bathroom. I put some clothes in the washing machine and turned it on before I went back to my room. Just to prevent more "preach" from her, of course. After wearing my new pyjama, I went to the kitchen and found her talking to a neighbour. I was glad, because when her friend is here, she would redeem herself, focusing her mind to her friend and stops her preach from breaking the house again.

After the neighbour left, I hurried to my room to prepare for the books tomorrow. I locked my room, because Nofal was annoying me, but the main reason was to flee from being her target to preach on. During my introspection of my school academic life, I realised that IGCSE exam is one month left from now. Then I made a self-study system to follow everyday at home. I hope I will do what I planned, because it is waaay harder for me to motivate myself than motivating others.

The house was breaking again when I study, so I got distracted and lost my appetite to "eat" the book. I went to the source of noise, which was my brothers' room, and found one bed was wrecked. Wow. Their room that looked like a shipwreck, was now looked much worse than the "neat" pig's barnyard. With books put unorganizedly on the malfunctionned table and the smell of a cat's family house, it was now updated with the latest blocks of wood with nails on it, and a space in the centre, which looked like a dug grave. Bored, I went to the computer to write this blog. She was still PREACHING ! With a lot of struggle ( I ignored her hurting preach and tried my best not to look at her) , I keep on blogging.

Now, I am afraid when she passes by, because I am updating my facebook and I'm not supposed to. Teehee.

Life is hard for me at times when my mother is preaching, and that means everyday, everytime. There are many times when I plan to finish school as fast as possible and start my college life away from home. But, of course I have the times when I feel lucky having this family. Nothing is constant in our lives.

Another unfairness!

aah... Friday. What a weekend. I woke up at (about) 6.45 am. I remembered today is the day my father would go back to my beloved home country, Indonesia, to accompany my grandma. Days before, my mum told me to tell him what I need to buy from Indonesia. It's just embarrassing to tell him of what I need. I won't say undies and stuff like that to him. Although he's my dad, still I don't feel good asking a guy. It's better to tell a woman. and.. I want a gown! light blue or purple satin. for prom, of course. But I didn't say nothing to him. I was jealous - and still am jealous- of him flying to Indonesia by himself and canceling my vacation plan to Indonesia without discussing it with me! How could he do that? I mean, a family needs everything to be done by discussions and agreements. Furthermore, we are a family of SIX and I am a TEENAGER! I really need to travel out of boredom and run around like a monkey with my friends back in Indonesia, as teenagers are supposed to. Dad treats me like a little 5-year-old child who needs everything to be done by someone else. Well, some parts is true. But for the things I strive for, I would do everything by myself. When I have the mood for it, I have the go. He said I need to just ask him about something I'm certain and serious about,but he never agrees to one of my questions! That's why I would just wait for him to decide what's good for me (he thinks I can't live my life by myself).

I really miss my friends in Indonesia. My best friends here said that they would go back for vacation and they'll meet up without me if I don't. How sad. We even planned on what to do when we get back, but then when my father said it's cancelled...

Dad cancelled the vacation because mum doesn't want to go back. I know why. It's because if dad goes back to Indonesia with all of us, including mum, we'll be heading to his mother's house.
For a long time, there has been a fight between my mum and his mother. When we were going home from the airport mum started to flashbacks all her bad memories from my dad's family. From her stories, it seems like she is the one who gets all the losses. Although I sympathise her, I still want to know the truth. I'll ask her (my dad's mother) when I get back, well, I really want to. I guess I have to be my next-year- age (17) to be seen old enough to ask such question. It has made me leaking my tears for sometimes when I hear about it. I hate crying and feeling sad. I should end this sadness!

This problem could never shed away from my mind when it's not finished, right? But maybe, when I know the truth, I might be even more depressed of this family problem. What do you think? It's just I don't want to have a pair of parents whose parents are hating each other. This'll ruin me and my brothers ( I have 3 younger brothers)!

Her other reason is because we have nowhere to stay and feel completely comfortable. That's true. Last 2 year's vacation was not 100 percent enjoyable. I feel bad for making my relative's house as my family's nest. They made our meals, they shopped for us, they did everything for us. That's just not fair for them. There's no place more comfortable than our very own homes, right?

This is not fair, but I guess there's no other choice beside following the trails of my life. Maybe next year I will have my chance to go back and sort out all my problems there. Let's hope for the best.

Oh.. I'll text my dad about my needs and please... comment or answer my question above. Thank you. :D

the "cracking" day of prefects.

Yes.. cracking. We had chemistry today and we talked about cracking alkanes. We thought that the teacher - who is also our form tutor - would be absent. I was late and I had no idea she would be late like any other day. I did the class register - I am talented to be a prefect, aren't I?
Back to the subject, we almost had fun, knowing the first period of the day would be an unknown free lesson. And... there she came, disrupting our free period. Well. I would not say "ruin" because she's one of my favourite teacher in that school.

She looked hurried. I told her that I did the register and she answered " I know. The driver is late". I whispered to my friend "that was not even a question, miss," and she laughed. I understand exactly what could be the problem. But, CHILL, miss. I am often late and she always says "okay. you're in," and why does she had to be so tensed to be late because of anybody else's mistake? Hey, nobody is perfect. Not even the headmaster.

Oh, I remembered. Maybe it was because the CIS came to the school. By the name, I thought it was the CSI school version. Thinking like this, gives me goosebumps. Brrr! Our management leader, who was once our physics teacher, told us the previous day that we should be obeying all the rules of the school for just this one day (perhaps because we NEVER obey them) and that this visit is something important for the school's future as one of the best international school in the world. Sure, that time will be when me and my peers had long gone from the school. We'll be the primitive inhabitants of the futuristic- promising-going-to-be- school. And this CIS visit rumbled my day. I was, at last, being a prefect in the school. Eventhough it's not like a real prefect system, at least I can wander around, confessing I'm in duty, and free myself from the class I dropped. Most of us year 11s are prefects and monitors. Today, the principal said that we're not going to activate the prefect system - only at break times. Oh, no no no! i need to eat at break times.. So I put off my "prefect" badge. The bad thing was I did not know where to go during my free class! So we (me and one of my best friend) decided to stay in physics lab. with my another best friend whose boyfriend was having a class there. We were, as usual, loud and fun, but not as fun as when my other-other best friend is around. We're not completely fun with one of us missing. Then the other year 12s came and played table-tennis on the lab's desk. Later, the class went back to the lab. and we decided to move to chemistry class next door to prevent disruption of their study. When we were "hanging out" in chemistry lab, I found out that my other-other best friend was also having free period. I initiated to fetch her, but then the "monitor" said everyone should stay in the class. I went back empty-handed (like it's something like fetching a very valuable thing LOL). When my bestfriend went to fetch her... wow! She was magically following behind her. IT WAS UNFAIR! the "monitor" did not let her out when I fetch her, yet she allowed my bestfriend to take her away from the class. NOT FAIR!

And then the four of us spent our time in chemistry lab. It wasn't as lively as usual.. it was rather dull. But, what can I do? I can't guess what they were thinking. Life is just mystery.
As we get older.. the more quiet we become. I guess what the elders said about "Quiet means maturity" is right.

Afterall, Thursday should be the most fascinating day of the week. because two days after Thursday are weekends! But... with the presence of physics in the day.. it's just another boring schoolday. I don't know why I don't like physics so much. I just don't have faith in it. I tried my best many times and often ends up with C. I'm just not talented in it. God had created me with strenghts and weaknesses.

And my life continues. What can I get tomorrow? Only God knows.

25 March 2009, nite.

here is my first post. Actually, i made an account looooong time ago,, yet i have no time to manage it. I have been such a busy person - busy with something stupid - and life is just not as reminding as it should be.

Today had been my bad day, perhaps, because i rarely feel actually annoyed by my surroundings. It is just very weird about me that i don't even understand myself!! When someone asks about how I'm doing.. I feel this i-dont-know-what feeling inside my stomach that is literally not good. but i don't have to be sick to be not fine, right?

Anyway, last night i was sick. I had this flu and I think I am fine now. Unfortunately, the sickness spread to my head and stomach! well.. i took a cold shower before i went to bed and ate donut before eating my proper meal. Ugh! i felt terrible. My head spun like... i dont know. It didn't spin.. it throbbed! ouch, ouch,ouch! it should be because I slept with my head not totally dried up. And my stomach! For God sake, i hate stomachache more than any sickness i ever fell in (except running nose). Evenmore when i sleep! I could not feel any relaxation and it feels better to pop or burst like balloons than suffering the pain of a STOMACHACHE! And... uhhh... to be honest.. really.. it feels waaaaay.. - and i mean it- and waaay better when i dont stop farting until the last blow of the gas gets out of my digestive system. Teehee... funny, but it's real. I don't believe if there's a person who thinks that farting is not comfortable. However, when it happens, sometimes the pain DOES NOT go away. it stabs even sharper and meaner. That's the time when I give up to the pain, close my eyes and roll back and forth, just hoping i would fall asleep soon and the pain dies with it. I happened last night. Hufh... a misery of life.

Another misery : running nose. It is painful socially. When the liquid runs down your nose, and got discovered by the person sitting next to you... what would you do and what would they think?
Not many people are understanding. They feel good when they think that you're disgusting. Thats what I hate the most about running nose. People can't be blamed for this as when you happen to see a person with running nose you would feel better when you DO think they are disgusting. To understand is good, but not when you have to tolerate the sound and the mimic of their face when they clean their noses and when this liquid shows up,lying as a pair of 1s under that someone's nose. You can't burst out to laugh, nor make a disgusted expression on your face.
Funny facts are not always laughable.

So now.. I have to be ready for another stomachache. Because since minutes before, the gases inside my tummy are bumping the spincter muscle down my anus, wanting to break free. I have to surrender to them now.